Problems... Problems... Problems...

Sunday, November 8, 2009 - 9:55 AM   I have not been on DS lately due to a number of physical and psychological problems. Almost every time one problem seems to become solved, another one pops up. I would like to find a way to stop this cycle, but my therapists have told me that this may be going on for quite some time.   Dr. Martin, my psychologist, and I have both decided that it is time for me to work on my sexual abuse issues. She is aware that I have managed to sidestep this issue a lot during the time she has been working with me. I told her that I have begun having a lot of flashbacks and vivid memories of my abuse and abusers, and that all of this is beginning to drive me crazy. Although my suicidal tendencies are not as strong as they once were, they are cropping up now and then, which is not a good sign for me.   I have begun remembering that my abusers told me I was no good, never would be any good, and they were the only ones who would want to be around me. Dr. Martin, and Dale (my mental health therapist), have told me that abusers often tell their victims this. They also seem to feel that I have been brainwashed into believing it, as well as other negative things about myself.   Although I am beginning to believe Dale and Dr. Martin now more than I used to, I also know that I am not going to be able to change my thinking overnight. Something in my mind almost forces me to believe what I was told by my abusers.   Largely because of the deviant sexual acts, which I was involved in, I not only hate my abusers, but myself as well. I have gotten to the point where I have tried to punish myself in various ways, such as not taking my pain medication, or finding some way to hurt myself physically. Both of my therapists say this is a common reaction. It is something that we need to talk about in more detail.   I have begun having an increased amount of pain in my back, and this has now spread into my shoulders, neck, knees, and lower legs. My primary care physician has told me that I can increase the amount of pain medication I normally take in order to deal with this. He is also trying to get me back into some additional physical therapy, which we are both hopeful will help my overall situation.   The mental health clinic where I go now has a new director. I was told that within the past two weeks he has reviewed my case and expressed a concern to Dale about the fact that I am taking a narcotic for pain. He wanted to know how Dale wanted to proceed with this. Dale said he knew my doctor, who the new director also knows, and said that he felt they ought to go along with whatever he prescribed.   Dale told me that all of them agreed that they had no problem with my taking the medication primarily because they did not want me to have to suffer in pain. He also said that if I felt the pain coming on, I should take the medication right away, rather than waiting until the pain actually hits. He said that it would be easier to control it this way. I am not entirely happy with this idea, but I am willing to give it a try. Having gotten over an addiction to one drug (crack cocaine), I do not want to become addicted to another (Percocet). My primary care physician said that I would probably need to use this on a long-term basis. I am not too happy about that, but neither am I happy about having an almost unbearable amount of pain indefinitely.   If I am not on DS as often as I used to be, it is not because I have no time for my friends here. My therapists have said that I may need to cut back for a while in order to deal with more pressing issues such as the sexual abuse. I value the friendships I have made here, and thoroughly intend to continue with them, but for the time being, I may not be here as often as I would like. I hope that everyone will understand my situation and bear with me.