Primal scream inside me
Oh my love!
I have been choking back waves of overwhelming grief. I just want to scream until i can no longer feel anything. The past month has been so painful. I have had ups and downs since i lost you. I have cried, sometimes I've been strong. But I'm just tired. I have spent the past ten months proving I can do this. I have dealt with the financial difficulties. I have gone back to school to improve my earnings. I have learned to live alone and to take care of myself.I've kept my head above water and I know I've made you proud.
But I'm done. I know that is a futile statement, but I'm just done with this. I've done it, I've handled the hard stuff. I've missed everything about you and our life and love together. But emotionally I am through with this part of my life journey. I want to shout "Oly Oly ox in free!" and have you come back. I feel like I have passed this test and now I want it to be over. I want to demand that you return.
No, I haven't lost my grip on reality. I know I'm not going to wake up in the morning and find you next to me smiling and telling me "good morning, Babe". You often are there in my dreams, enjoying our adventures, spending time with our friends and sharing the love and laughter of our grandsons. I am so very grateful for those dreams. But then I wake up alone.
I am sorry I come to you feeling sorry for myself. But in doing so I also can hear your reply. You would hug me close and tell me, just like you always did, "I'm sorry, dear. This is a tough one to handle. But you're a tough lady. You've done great. You have handled things just like you always done. And I'm proud of you. I'll be waiting for the day we are together again and in the meantime, you go girl. Enjoy each day and have a great life, like I always said, do what makes you happy. I'm sorry I had to leave, but you are going to be OK."
The last words you said to me when i lost you were "I'm sorry dear, but I've got to go." I'm so sorry too.
I have been choking back waves of overwhelming grief. I just want to scream until i can no longer feel anything. The past month has been so painful. I have had ups and downs since i lost you. I have cried, sometimes I've been strong. But I'm just tired. I have spent the past ten months proving I can do this. I have dealt with the financial difficulties. I have gone back to school to improve my earnings. I have learned to live alone and to take care of myself.I've kept my head above water and I know I've made you proud.
But I'm done. I know that is a futile statement, but I'm just done with this. I've done it, I've handled the hard stuff. I've missed everything about you and our life and love together. But emotionally I am through with this part of my life journey. I want to shout "Oly Oly ox in free!" and have you come back. I feel like I have passed this test and now I want it to be over. I want to demand that you return.
No, I haven't lost my grip on reality. I know I'm not going to wake up in the morning and find you next to me smiling and telling me "good morning, Babe". You often are there in my dreams, enjoying our adventures, spending time with our friends and sharing the love and laughter of our grandsons. I am so very grateful for those dreams. But then I wake up alone.
I am sorry I come to you feeling sorry for myself. But in doing so I also can hear your reply. You would hug me close and tell me, just like you always did, "I'm sorry, dear. This is a tough one to handle. But you're a tough lady. You've done great. You have handled things just like you always done. And I'm proud of you. I'll be waiting for the day we are together again and in the meantime, you go girl. Enjoy each day and have a great life, like I always said, do what makes you happy. I'm sorry I had to leave, but you are going to be OK."
The last words you said to me when i lost you were "I'm sorry dear, but I've got to go." I'm so sorry too.
Replies
Hugs to you Bailey! I know how hard this is, and you have been incredibly courageous to go back to school etc. It is only natural to feel overwhelmed at times and just want it to all go away. Remember, today is the first day of the rest of your life. Find some things you are grateful for -- the grandkids etc. Dwell on those, although none of these things bring back your dearly loved husband. Try not to think too far ahead. Taking one day at a time helps me cope. It\'s OK to feel sorry for yourself at times, just don\'t let that mood take over your life. Wishing you peaceful days - Doye
Bailey, I wondered if everything was ok with you. I thought you made a huge effort in every way possible to make a new life- you are an inspiration. But I have also found that the sadness periodically creeps in no matter what I do. Keep plugging away- you are on the right course. Sharing on this site can be cathartic. Hugs. Jean