Prescription Pad
I did it! I just waltzed right on in there, and told my doctor everything! EV ER Y THING. And I didn't break down and get all wheezy and sniffy and squeaky-voiced either. Just a tiny bit, but I was in control of it. I was very adult! ME! My doctor was fantastic. I don't even know him well, I've only been in to see him once before, two years ago, for friggin' POISON IVY. And I think once before that, about 3 years ago, when my back went out. That's it! And there I was, telling him I'm in recovery for an alcohol addiction, and bulimia! I also told him a little about the other stresses I'm dealing with, my daughters, my marriage... He asked how what kind of treatment I'm getting. HA! Treatment?! That's hilarious! I said, I'm doing it on my own, with online support and journaling.. I said, there is no treatment for eating disorders in this county, NONE. I would have to go to Pittsburgh, which is not bad, it's 40 minutes away, but still, not exactly easy, if I would need to go daily or even weekly. I told him that Gateway (alcohol & substance abuse rehab) had put me through their "evaluation" and then told me, sorry, we can't help you, you're too complicated, your situation is compromised by the eating disorder. Get that little thing under control, and you can come right on back here, we'll help ya out, honey! Thanks, really, you shouldn't have... I'm too complicated... grrrr.... So he said, when I was telling him briefly about all the stresses in my house recently, he said, well, you are really dealing with a lot, aren't you? He was so great. So very kind. I think I love him. He asked me if I was seeking help and recovery now, so that I could be there for my daughters. That one got me. Because that's it, that's the whole thing there... My kids... I want to be a whole mom. I want that so bad. It's not too late. And then he took out his pen and his prescription pad, and started firing off a huge list of tests, the 5 hour glucose, liver function, pancreas, Amylase,C-peptides, white blood counts, and blood levels for folate, magnesium, calcium, phosphorus, and B-12. All those after I told him what I was reading about alcoholics and blood-glucose levels and vitamins and L-glutamine... I told him I was concerned about possibly needing a colonoscopy a little earlier than usual, as my digestive system has been upside-down for 30 years... He said, no problem, if I want to get that done sooner, let him know. I'm just so grateful to have a doctor with such a good manner, that I could unload all of that, and feel as though someone had listened, and understood, and was taking action. I left his office, feeling as though I had taken charge of my life, like I was dealing with things, calmly, soberly, competitently. I'm not used to that feeling. I'm used to thrashing around, irrationally, driven by forces beyond my control. It's so freeing. It alters my perspective about so many things. After I left his office I drove straight to work, I'd agreed to do a half-day sub job, 5th grade. 5th grade!!! They were rotten, ornery, they weren't giving me their correct names as I was filling out a seating chart, just normal, ornery 5th grade boy stuff.... But I was so confident, I just plowed right on through, joshed and joked right back with them... I was unflappable. Which is a huge improvement over "flappable". I hate flappable. I abolish flappable. Flappable, she don't live her no more. I was weighed today. That part wasn't good. I've put on a pound a week so far, in recovery. I'm eating just fine, I don't restrict, I make sure to get protein, I'm eating lots of colorful vegetables, brown rice, I'm careful with the breads and cereals... The problem is sugar. Sweets. Chocolate. I'm a fiend right now. I'm still binging, sorta, technically, I eat probably double and sometimes triple the sweets other people would eat. And I'm not purging. I'm not really even thinking about purging. But sugar is driving me so hard! The more I read about how I need to cut the sugar, the more I have to have it! (I need to stop SAYING THAT. I need to STOP SAYING THAT!!!) The added weight is all in my mid-section, of course. I was sitting, sorta slouched on the exam table today, like ya DO, and my doctor starts poking and prodding into my bunched up stomach area. It felt funny, I'm not used to letting it all hang out there, you know? I've been sucking in my non-existent stomach for so many years, now that I have one, it's like, BLOB, LUMP, BLOOP... It's kinda funny. I feel a tiny bit of affection for it, like it's my new pet. If I ever have sex with my husband again, well, then we'll see if it can stay or not. It was so funny, when the doctor poked me, I almost laughed, and I thought, holy shit, a HANDSOME MAN is poking me in my BELLY FAT and I am SORTA KINDA OKAY with it!!!! I may have just had my first EVER healthy body image thought! So that thought was so much fun, that I followed up with this one: I'm getting to the age where I need, NEED to have a little extra weight on me, so I don't start looking like a scare-crow. It's better to plump out my face a little. Not to mention my breasts. I think they're fuller. If I ever have sex with my husband again, I'll let you know for sure... That being said, a little bit of extra weight is okay, but I don't want to go overboard. I have to get this sugar thing under control. I downloaded a hypnosis MP-3 last night, for bulimia. I didn't get to try it yet though. I also downloaded one for my husband, Anger Management. If he ever uses it and gets his anger issues under control, and then we have sex again, I'll let you know...
Replies