PRE CHRISTMAS DINNER
I spent the day with my mother and sister and her family for a pre-christmas dinner and although we are just mending from years of hurt, things went exceptionally well. I have to admit that I was apprehensive and almost did not go, but I am so very glad that I did.
We talked laughed and had a really good time Praise God I was able to open up and talk to them about my impending surgery and I was moved to tears by all the love and support they showed me. The understood my reasons for doing it, they cheered me on and they stand in agreement with me that I have made the best choice for my life. Actually the more I tell people who love me (key words), the more I find that they are actually supportive and can share support stories from other people they know who have already had it.
I just admitted to my cousin this morning how much I was in denial as to where I truly am with my weight - its not because i feel digusted with who I am because that has never been the case, but I held on to the denial for so long because food had become a shield for me against all the pain hurt and disappointment that I have endured at the hands of other people. I subconsciously i guess I felt that if I could just get big enough then they couldn't get to my heart with their venom, rejection and cruelty towards me. As I started dealing with and putting those things into perspective, the need to guard my heart any more stopped and all that is left is this fortress of fat i've built around myself which not at 50 threatens to kill me if i dont get rid of it.
I've had closure on alot of things this year - the only thing left to do now is deal with my personal battle with my weight. It's for me and about me now and I know this journey will not be easy, but God through my tears I pray, it's not too late to love me like i've loved others all my life and to regain my quality of life for me. It is the first time in years that I want to be happy on another level, love on another level, live on another level and it all starts and ends with a healthier NEW me.
I love you Lord and I thank you for keeping me and loving me when I didn't love myself, I know that you did not bring me this far to leave me and I know that each step I take going forward you will remain by my side. I am soooooooooooo looking forward to 2013, a new year and a new outlook on life.
We talked laughed and had a really good time Praise God I was able to open up and talk to them about my impending surgery and I was moved to tears by all the love and support they showed me. The understood my reasons for doing it, they cheered me on and they stand in agreement with me that I have made the best choice for my life. Actually the more I tell people who love me (key words), the more I find that they are actually supportive and can share support stories from other people they know who have already had it.
I just admitted to my cousin this morning how much I was in denial as to where I truly am with my weight - its not because i feel digusted with who I am because that has never been the case, but I held on to the denial for so long because food had become a shield for me against all the pain hurt and disappointment that I have endured at the hands of other people. I subconsciously i guess I felt that if I could just get big enough then they couldn't get to my heart with their venom, rejection and cruelty towards me. As I started dealing with and putting those things into perspective, the need to guard my heart any more stopped and all that is left is this fortress of fat i've built around myself which not at 50 threatens to kill me if i dont get rid of it.
I've had closure on alot of things this year - the only thing left to do now is deal with my personal battle with my weight. It's for me and about me now and I know this journey will not be easy, but God through my tears I pray, it's not too late to love me like i've loved others all my life and to regain my quality of life for me. It is the first time in years that I want to be happy on another level, love on another level, live on another level and it all starts and ends with a healthier NEW me.
I love you Lord and I thank you for keeping me and loving me when I didn't love myself, I know that you did not bring me this far to leave me and I know that each step I take going forward you will remain by my side. I am soooooooooooo looking forward to 2013, a new year and a new outlook on life.
Replies