Prayer,meditation,..........and coffee!
Good morning journal,the time is 7:27am,and I am awake following yet another night of fitful and disturbed sleep.My breathing this morning is a little labored and I seem to have developed a somewhat troublesome cough over the past two days.I made a mistake in my next appointment with my cognitive behavioral therapist,I thought it was the 21st,good job I checked,....it's the 18th;me and my mind huh?;that's why I have a diary for everything.Now journal,what news is there to impart to you?,oh yes,after losing my job on the 10th,I was informed yesterday that my landlord is increasing my rent,I don't own my home,moved around too much I guess,so that's another little thing I have to factor into the equation.It seems that just when you think things can't get any worse,well,they invariably do,and at this point,I have no idea what I am going to do except keep on moving forward,one small step at a time.I have a great faith in the Good Lord above, sometimes He tests me sorely,but I am His child,and I know He will find me a way through this mess by His guidance and love.I have spent the last few hours in prayer and meditation,but thus far,the only voices I have heard have been Jeremiah,Michael and Ruth chattering away to me,and yes,I do know the difference between them and divine intervention,they have been louder and more insistent in their remonstrations in my mind,but I remain,at this point anyway,in control.
I am very tired,the effort of maintaining control of my mind exhausts me,but this morning I have my trusty battle sword with me,..........coffee!,it helps me stay alert and it tastes good;and thanks to my American wife,I have developed a taste for it over the years.I also,like most British people,love tea,my preference being black with a little lemon,but in the morning on rising,coffee is king!;at this present moment in time,I have to face the fact that I am not capable of holding down a job of any description,my mind is fragile and tends to wander at present,and my body is weak,I am only able to stand for very short periods,and I am very dizzy when on my feet;I have almost blacked out on a number of occasions and had to hold on to chairs,doors,and any other solid objects that were available within reach;it is a concern to me,but nothing more.
The plot of my novel is really taking shape now,and I am pleased with the passages I have written thus far;it is a form of escapism for me,and I find it a most enjoyable distraction from the worries and concerns of my daily life.I have also discovered over the past day or two that I still have my singing voice,breathing permitting of course,I was pleasantly surprised by my ability to still,"hit the high notes",in the songs I used to sing on stage.Of course,I can't perform now,but when the mood takes me,it is nice to know,that I can still warble a bit in the tub on my own;my wife was both astounded and delighted when she was awakened by me singing yesterday morning,I didn't realize I had been singing so vociferously,once a performer,always a performer I guess!.
Today,I really must complete my,"homework",for cognitive behavioral therapy on Friday,I have to write down a record of my days since my last visit.How many bad days,how many good,how many suicidal tendencies etc:,etc:;I am struggling to comprehend how my therapist will be able to read,and digest,a log of my days that threatens to be longer than War and Peace,and converse with me too remember,in one short hour.Well journal,it is time to be away from this place,I have enjoyed being able to put my thoughts into words again,until tomorrow then,peace go with us,(and a few answers wouldn't go unappreciated Lord,thank you).
I am very tired,the effort of maintaining control of my mind exhausts me,but this morning I have my trusty battle sword with me,..........coffee!,it helps me stay alert and it tastes good;and thanks to my American wife,I have developed a taste for it over the years.I also,like most British people,love tea,my preference being black with a little lemon,but in the morning on rising,coffee is king!;at this present moment in time,I have to face the fact that I am not capable of holding down a job of any description,my mind is fragile and tends to wander at present,and my body is weak,I am only able to stand for very short periods,and I am very dizzy when on my feet;I have almost blacked out on a number of occasions and had to hold on to chairs,doors,and any other solid objects that were available within reach;it is a concern to me,but nothing more.
The plot of my novel is really taking shape now,and I am pleased with the passages I have written thus far;it is a form of escapism for me,and I find it a most enjoyable distraction from the worries and concerns of my daily life.I have also discovered over the past day or two that I still have my singing voice,breathing permitting of course,I was pleasantly surprised by my ability to still,"hit the high notes",in the songs I used to sing on stage.Of course,I can't perform now,but when the mood takes me,it is nice to know,that I can still warble a bit in the tub on my own;my wife was both astounded and delighted when she was awakened by me singing yesterday morning,I didn't realize I had been singing so vociferously,once a performer,always a performer I guess!.
Today,I really must complete my,"homework",for cognitive behavioral therapy on Friday,I have to write down a record of my days since my last visit.How many bad days,how many good,how many suicidal tendencies etc:,etc:;I am struggling to comprehend how my therapist will be able to read,and digest,a log of my days that threatens to be longer than War and Peace,and converse with me too remember,in one short hour.Well journal,it is time to be away from this place,I have enjoyed being able to put my thoughts into words again,until tomorrow then,peace go with us,(and a few answers wouldn't go unappreciated Lord,thank you).
Replies
Hi Sillo,
I haven\'t been on in a long time. A few years back the same thing happened to me. I saw no way out. Remember God does take care of his children. I am glad to see that you are writing your feelings down. Since you lost your job to health reasons do they have programs in GB like unemployment or disability. We get Social Security here in the States. I live in Virginia. I know what depression and anxiety is. It also affects how you think. Somedays I feel like I\'m losing my mind. I am practicing a method now of letting your feelings go. I am old school and stubborn too, but I\'ve finally decided I can\'t take on the world. When something starts to bother me then I just say to myself accept the feeling and let it go for now. We can make ourselves crazy for worry. You might not see it now but things will all work out just take a minute at a time. You sound like a smart man and things will come together for good. Someone once told me don\'t worry about tomorrow because tomorrow may never come. I am glad you are seeing a good Dr. and you can sing in the shower. I do hope you are able to find peace and just trust in the Lord. I know about suicidal thoughts and I\'m too strong for that way out. It won\'t solve anything for any of us. So praying that you will start to feel better and you WILL get through this. I\'m here if you need to talk or just want to vent. Hugs and Prayers to you and your family. Hope you are able to get some quality rest.