Posted in Miscarriage group & Pregnancy Groups...

The end of last year was an awful time for my family. We found out on the 11th October that I was expecting my second child. I remember the day I found out I cried, I didn't want to be pregnant, I wasn't expecting it, it wasn't planned and we'd only just moved. We needed time to prepare. After a day or two, I was excited. I realized I did want this baby! Then I started feeling very unwell, constantly sick, dizzy, hot, and loads of pain. I went to the GP and everything seemed fine, except they diagnosed me with Hyperemesis Gravidarum. Atleast I had an answer right? I was given antisickness tablets, but they didn't really help. I just knew something wasn't right, I kept telling doctors and midwives but they just wouldn't listen. I then went for my first scan on the 13th November, at this point I should have been around 9 weeks. At the scan they told me my baby was 6 weeks 5 days, and had no heartbeat, but it could be too early. I knew it wasn't too early I knew my dates we're correct, why was they wasting my time and causing my heartache?! Anyway I went back 2 weeks later for a rescan and it was confirmed my baby had died. I had a missed miscarriage. I didn't cry, I just listened to the doctor and chose a D&C. I went home and broke the news to my daughter and she was heartbroken, at that point I knew I had to focus on her and her feelings, mine wasn't important anymore. I had my D&C on the 2nd December and long story short has several complications afterwards. So therefore I still had no time to grieve my loss. I then found out in January I was pregnant again following the procedure I'd had in December, so my focus was on this pregnancy. The hospital arranged a funeral for the baby I lost and I did not attend, I didn't want to go for the fact it didn't seem very personal as other families would be there grieving their loss, as it was a mass ceremony for other women who had suffered like me. Therefore I still didn't grieve, now I have been so focused on this pregnancy and not stressing out I can still no grieve my loss. I am currently 14 weeks pregnant, so I have a lot of time left before giving birth, then my focus will be on a newborn. But due to not grieving I find myself not being able to talk about the baby I lost, I don't want people reminding me. My partner wrote something in our anniversary card about the loss aswell as everything else we've been through since being together, it was lovely but I told him I didn't want it because of the parts about the baby, I know this hurt him but he understood, he is very understanding, I also think that because I haven't grieved, it's been making me pull myself away from my partner. We are not as close as we was a few months ago. I don't even let him sleep in the same room as me because I just cannot come to terms with my feelings. I need to grieve but I don't know how or if I will even let myself now. I do miss my baby and wish things could of been different but they're not, and right now I just don't know what to do but I need to do something before I completely give up on my relationship, and before it effects me in more ways than one.