Poor choices....

Well I am really struggling with depression. I wished I could get angry like I was a month ago.  I know I am going thru the grieving process....I just don't want to get stuck in the slump....it is so difficult to dig out of. 

I need to get motivated.  I make a list of everything I need to do...but I always make excuses...and I just don't care.  I suppose my self-esteem isn't doing very well right now. 

What I am really upset about is how I could have prevented all this from happening.... many years ago.  The first time he broke up with me...I could have stopped it then...but when a man breaks up with you six times and now a seventh time.... what is wrong with me. I mean seriously.  I never thought myself as 'clueless.'  In fact, I counsel young ladies about being in relationships that are toxic.  And, worse yet.... when I journal about it and read back what I wrote.... especially when I try to talk myself in believing he is wanting to mend things and get back together.  I think to myself …. why would I want him back….why? so he can dump me again…and then again.  It is so stupid and uncalled for…. for me to try to go back with him.  Just not acceptable.

But on the other hand,…. I feel it is also time to move past these ‘dumping on myself feelings I have been carrying around….it’s time to take them to the dump.’  And, work on me.

So…work on me.  Eating right…drinking lots of water….go for my walks in the mall…go to the barn to see my horse…get back into riding my horse. …start going to my women’s codependence support group once a week….go to my dance class on Thursday nights…work on applying to jobs …get a higher paying job then what I have now …so I can move out and completely support myself.    

That is a lot of stuff to do. I need to stop this down thinking….and feeling sad that this happened Maybe I will make a list of things to do when my thoughts go to negative self talk…and negative thoughts about him and how this all happened. And, keep the list handy …so I can look at it as much as I need to.  I will set the alarm on my phone, so I can look at my phone and read my list and put a few quotes in there to help me feel better.

I am getting off work here in a few minutes.  My plan is to go to the barn to see my horse and then go home and make myself some dinner. I am hoping he stays out late...so I dont' have to see him tonight. Oh...he will be home...and he will talk about what a great day he had...and he will ask me how my job hunting is and how much each one of the jobs pay.  Because if you remember....in his mind...he seems to think if I have a higher paying job...then he and I can get back together again...well I am going to tell him that I don't remember what they pay.  It isn't any of his business where I get a job at and how much I am going to get paid.  I won't say that to him.  I will just tell him I don't remember.....kind of like the others I have put in for.