Poligraph # 3 - Passed
So, yesterday I took my 3rd polygraph, and passed by Gods Grace, looked at the questions and realized that he is doing alot more in my recovery than I ever did trying on my own. Here are the questions I asked. Answers were all "NO"
1. Since your last polygraph have you engaged in any sex act outside of your marriage?
2. Since your last polygraph have you been to any of any adult business?
3. Since your last polygraph have you masturbated?
4. Since your last polygraph have you viewed any sexually stimulating images that your wife is not aware of?
5. Since your last test have you been on Craigs list or any other means of finding sexual partners?
6. Since your last test have you lied to your wife regarding your addiction?
So, I did not say anyting to her because she says she doesn't want to talk about this stuff. But I saw her reading it last night. And could not read her reaction. I know I was hoping for some sort of encouragement or praise about this, but at this point that is too much for her, and I undrestand that. I am very sad that this success causes her pain. It is my perecption that this kind of truth is difficult for her to process because if I am no longer in a position to be the scapegoat for avioding her painful stuff, then she is probably beginning to realize that she is going to have to face that pain.
I can somewhat begin,praise God, to empathize with the fact that her pain about her own trauma has been easily distracted by my addiction. And now that I am beginning to build some strong boundaries and clocking some success as I surrender more and more then I am hoping that God will be gentle with her as her truth begins to come to the surface. Her little girls life was so hellish in the Cambodian Killing Fields, and that brings her so much strength, but it also brings her so many walls that look like strength that help her hide.
I pray that God will keep me sober, safe and growing to the place where my life can model peaceful and confident faith in him that she can depend on me to be there to hold and love her as she faces her fears.
On another topic, I am beginning to understrad how much the polygraphs shore up my self esteem. Reading those questions gives me some comfort. I can affirm myself in knowing that I have not lied to her, that I am not the addict that does those things, and I am able to trust God enough today to meet my needs his way.
I appreciate all my friends here on DS. You all have truly blessed my life.
1. Since your last polygraph have you engaged in any sex act outside of your marriage?
2. Since your last polygraph have you been to any of any adult business?
3. Since your last polygraph have you masturbated?
4. Since your last polygraph have you viewed any sexually stimulating images that your wife is not aware of?
5. Since your last test have you been on Craigs list or any other means of finding sexual partners?
6. Since your last test have you lied to your wife regarding your addiction?
So, I did not say anyting to her because she says she doesn't want to talk about this stuff. But I saw her reading it last night. And could not read her reaction. I know I was hoping for some sort of encouragement or praise about this, but at this point that is too much for her, and I undrestand that. I am very sad that this success causes her pain. It is my perecption that this kind of truth is difficult for her to process because if I am no longer in a position to be the scapegoat for avioding her painful stuff, then she is probably beginning to realize that she is going to have to face that pain.
I can somewhat begin,praise God, to empathize with the fact that her pain about her own trauma has been easily distracted by my addiction. And now that I am beginning to build some strong boundaries and clocking some success as I surrender more and more then I am hoping that God will be gentle with her as her truth begins to come to the surface. Her little girls life was so hellish in the Cambodian Killing Fields, and that brings her so much strength, but it also brings her so many walls that look like strength that help her hide.
I pray that God will keep me sober, safe and growing to the place where my life can model peaceful and confident faith in him that she can depend on me to be there to hold and love her as she faces her fears.
On another topic, I am beginning to understrad how much the polygraphs shore up my self esteem. Reading those questions gives me some comfort. I can affirm myself in knowing that I have not lied to her, that I am not the addict that does those things, and I am able to trust God enough today to meet my needs his way.
I appreciate all my friends here on DS. You all have truly blessed my life.
Replies
So glad to hear your positive experience. You sound in a really good place. I am happy for you.
Congradulations on passing the poly Choose, congrats on working hard on recovery since the last poly, and congrats for wanting to keep working on recovery. I am very proud of you mate.
Looking at those questions through the eyes of a spouse, admittingly i am a little envious as i wish i had that 100% peace of mind, with honest answers without a hint of doubt....maybe one day.
Knowing how i was once as a spouse earlier on in recovery, this kind of knowledge would have been confronting. The pain i kept all bottled up and behind my walls to protect myself from further hurt, would have been a little distrusting. I use to be so fearful to let my heart come out from behind those old walls....for fear i would trust and get stampled again. I am wondering if your wife is fearful to let her heart out again, as i did. My best advise is to keep working on yourself, and recovery.....and show her she can trust you again. I know its slow, but just keep working and showing her you really want this.
So proud of you mate =))
Congrats! To read your post gave me a kind of hope... :)