Police Reports and a Big Fat \"I HATE YOU!!!\"

When does it get better?  When do I stop caring what he does or where he goes?  When will I be able to sleep at night?  The whole marriage has been nothing but heartache for me.  In his eyes I had no right to be upset with him for anything he did, and I still don't.  I wasn't allowed to say how I was feeling or express my thoughts or ideas.  This is typical of abusive people.  We were supposed to spend the day together yesterday, and he called to say he was on his way to get Jonathan and me.  He insisted that I be outside waiting when he got here.  My mom lives 10 minutes away.  I waited out front where there isn't any shade for an hour, in the hot sun where it's 90º (that was the temp in the shade).  He finally showed up, and when I asked why he took so long, he began screaming at me in front of all of the neighbors!  Then, he yells about every little thing he could think of.  He'd scream at me while stopped at a traffic light, and everyone in the other cars could hear him.  We got back to the house, and I started on some laundry and took care of the cat.  I went upstairs to rest, and asked him if we could talk.  He said he was done with me and that he didn't want to talk.  Fine by me.  He's been saying since Wednesday that he would do whatever it takes to fix things.  BUT he is willing to do whatever it takes, so long as I am the one who is doing all the changing and he doesn't have to do a thing.  So I started crying and packing more things to take to my parents house.  I was really upset and I kept telling him that HE started all of this.  Yah- I yelled.  I have 6 years of being abused and the anger, hurt, resentment, and heartache built up because I was never allowed to say a word about how I felt about anything.  So I think I have every right to be upset and even ANGRY!So he threw something at me- figures.  I threw it back, missed him by at least 10 feet and it was just an empty plastic cup.  So he got up, and he came at me.  I backed into the corner as I always do, and he punched me and I tried to swing back.  He grabbed my wrists and threw me onto the floor.  Then he came towards me, and I was trying to get up.  I felt dizzy and I just grabbed whatever I could, which happened to be his arm.  He came at me again, punching me.  I grabbed the phone, ran upstairs and locked myself in the bathroom.  I dialed 911, and he unplugged the phone after the first ring.  So I ran past him (he's kinda big and slow) and I got downstairs to grab my cell.  I ran into the basement and called 911.  He got right in my face and I was yelling to the dispatcher that he was going to hurt me and he kept yelling, "If you called 911 I'm gonna kill you!!"  He tried to break my phone and pushed me into the basement wall.  He started throwing stuff at me and asking if I really called.  I didn't answer him.  He took off and I called them back to give them my address.  Two officers were sent to my house, and after I filed a police report, they confiscated his gun and stayed with me until my mom got there.  Then they waited while I grabbed what I could, including my cat.  The whole time I was packing, he was calling from various payphones around town.   I got my cat, so I feel better.  I will be filing for a restraining order tomorrow.  And tomorrow evening I will be going back there with a Cuyahoga County Sherriff while I move most of what I can out of there.   BUT- I still feel so sad and so heartbroken.  After all he's done, I miss him.  Or do I just miss being secure?  With him, I knew where things were going.  Now, I have no idea what's next... *edit note*The police were shocked to hear this, but my STBX husband does not drink- ever.  When the police saw the chair that he smashed the other day (he never cleaned it up, and I haven't been there), they asked how much he had to drink.  When I said he never drinks, the one cop said, "He did that SOBER??  Holy crap!"  On the few instances when he drank, he was very pleasant lol!