Pneumonia, stressing out about other BS
Day before yesterday I went to the ER only to find out my O2 sats were 81 and that I have pneumonia..yay..wonder friggin full!! I got it from visting my best friend across the street..ah well..shit happens..
Now I am literally freaking the fuck out over some postings made to the Sexual Abuse Group. Not that they are anything out of the ordinary, but I haven't really dealt with the issues I have, more like repressed them into almost non existence. I don't really have flashbacks unless I am exposed to Old Spice, then I really freak out BIG TIME!! And I have talked about it with a few(2-3) close friends and my husband and his mom and her brother, but other than that, I haven't even fully discussed everything that happened with my mom, since she was told when I was 5 yrs old that it was going on and she never once tryed to stop it or catch it going on. But I posted for the first time a couple of days ago to the Sexual Abuse Group, got it all out, the whole nasty story. No panic attacks, no tears while writing it, nothing. Now I go back several days later and read my story, no reaction, and I proceed to read others stories after mine. I start to get sweaty, my heart starts to race, I start to cry, first time in YEARS I have cried over something like this. I wuz sitting here normally eating some Mickey D's fries, but while eating and reading I noticed themore I read, the faster I crammed the fries, almost to the point of choking myself. WHY am I reacting like this? WHY all the sudden after years of no crying and no real feeling about my abuse is it rising to the surface like this? I don't understand it and I DON'T like it one bit! I am SO glad my mom isn't here right now, I would probably be in jail, cause I want to hit her SOOOOOO bad for not being there, for not at least TRYING to stop it. I want to write her a letter and put what I posted in the SA Group in the letter, but I don't think she will care and that I will be wasting my time. I don't have any contact with her anymore because of the SA, and other stuff, and it really sux for my kids, I want them to be able to be with BOTH grandma's, not just my hubby's. I think that her not caring is what hurts more than the abuse, that your own mother could turn her back on her own flesh and blood that is in pain, and do nothing.
I would KILL for my kids, I would kill my hubby, hell I would even kill GOD if need be, to save my kids from ANY kind of abuse. I just don't understand why she couldn't act like a real mom, I mean she was real good at being there for me for everything else bad boyfriends, bullies at school, being sick, she was everything and more with the exception of the SA.
Now between the SA uproar and the pneumonia I am flaring like hell with the HS! I am so glad I found DS and all the wonderful folks here, not that I am worried that without them I would do something drastic like suicide or hurting myself or someone else, but it so helps to have ears to bend that are not emotionally attatched to me, or that don't have a personal stake in my issues, and no one I have found here is judgmental, I haven't found anyone yet that makes me feel bad about my health issues, physical or mental wise. THANK GOD FOR DS!!!!
Now I am literally freaking the fuck out over some postings made to the Sexual Abuse Group. Not that they are anything out of the ordinary, but I haven't really dealt with the issues I have, more like repressed them into almost non existence. I don't really have flashbacks unless I am exposed to Old Spice, then I really freak out BIG TIME!! And I have talked about it with a few(2-3) close friends and my husband and his mom and her brother, but other than that, I haven't even fully discussed everything that happened with my mom, since she was told when I was 5 yrs old that it was going on and she never once tryed to stop it or catch it going on. But I posted for the first time a couple of days ago to the Sexual Abuse Group, got it all out, the whole nasty story. No panic attacks, no tears while writing it, nothing. Now I go back several days later and read my story, no reaction, and I proceed to read others stories after mine. I start to get sweaty, my heart starts to race, I start to cry, first time in YEARS I have cried over something like this. I wuz sitting here normally eating some Mickey D's fries, but while eating and reading I noticed themore I read, the faster I crammed the fries, almost to the point of choking myself. WHY am I reacting like this? WHY all the sudden after years of no crying and no real feeling about my abuse is it rising to the surface like this? I don't understand it and I DON'T like it one bit! I am SO glad my mom isn't here right now, I would probably be in jail, cause I want to hit her SOOOOOO bad for not being there, for not at least TRYING to stop it. I want to write her a letter and put what I posted in the SA Group in the letter, but I don't think she will care and that I will be wasting my time. I don't have any contact with her anymore because of the SA, and other stuff, and it really sux for my kids, I want them to be able to be with BOTH grandma's, not just my hubby's. I think that her not caring is what hurts more than the abuse, that your own mother could turn her back on her own flesh and blood that is in pain, and do nothing.
I would KILL for my kids, I would kill my hubby, hell I would even kill GOD if need be, to save my kids from ANY kind of abuse. I just don't understand why she couldn't act like a real mom, I mean she was real good at being there for me for everything else bad boyfriends, bullies at school, being sick, she was everything and more with the exception of the SA.
Now between the SA uproar and the pneumonia I am flaring like hell with the HS! I am so glad I found DS and all the wonderful folks here, not that I am worried that without them I would do something drastic like suicide or hurting myself or someone else, but it so helps to have ears to bend that are not emotionally attatched to me, or that don't have a personal stake in my issues, and no one I have found here is judgmental, I haven't found anyone yet that makes me feel bad about my health issues, physical or mental wise. THANK GOD FOR DS!!!!
Replies
I am so sorry this is happening to you! I hate that this happened to you as a child and more sorry your mom wasnt there for you the way you needed her to be there. I am here for you if you are having a bad day or night I will give you my number and you can call and we can cry together!! I AM HERE FOR YOU!!! You have listened to me *itch and moan and I wanna be here for you message me if you want my number to talk if you need to!!!
Thanks. It was just a particularly bad day for me, and I do appreciate the offer of your number, but I wouldn\'t want to rack up anyones phone bill (I can talk..A LOT..lol) I had been alright up until I actually posted about my abuse (even then I was ok) but when I started reading about others, it just got a little too much. I mean I know I looked silly, bouncing in my seat, fanning my face like a lady with the \"vapors\" trying not to cry..lol..hell even then I had to laugh at myself...I KNOW I looked ridiculous to someone who wouldn\'t have had a clue what was wrong with me. THANK YOU SO MUCH...it\'s people like you who make sites like this so wonderful! BIG HUGS!