Please read the entire journal. Feedback and help would be appreciated, loved even.

I don't know how this website works. I have no idea if this is a public post or a personal journal that is meant for venting or self help. I guess I'll just talk about how I feel. Confused is the simple word for my current state. Saying that I am spread thin across a range of feelings is a better way of putting it. I just feel lost at times. Void of purpose or connection to others during most times even. I have a solid 3-4 extremely close friends. People that I can really trust. I live with my 2 brothers who are 2 of the greatest people I've ever met. I know I can share anything with them and the same goes with my fore mentioned buddies. To give you all (if this is a public post, which I hope it is so I can get feedback) some context I am 20 years old. I've been out of high school since June 2015 and went to a college near to me for a full year immediately after that. I was social in high school. I was liked by damn near everybody and all of those individuals would tell you that I was outgoing and always upbeat. During college I was popular (please don't take this as a brag or something of that sort). I conversed with classmates easily and made acquantances with no difficulty. 

Still, the majority of my time alone I feel extremely depressed. Even suicidal at times. My brothers and my close friends I feel I can trust with anything. However I can't come forward with my true feelings. It's like I've worked so hard to keep a mask covering my face that I've dug a hole I can't climb out of. I can't talk to these people about how I have held pistols to my head. How I have stared down bottles of xanax and contemplated smashing the whole thing. I can't find a reason as to why I feel as if I can't speak to them candidly. A reason why I can't speak about myself in honest terms. Maybe it is all self-centered. A facade that I don't want to expose to others. That is probably the explanation.

I don't know how other people like myself handle these things. Without a doubt there are others that are facing the exact same predicament. My mother is bipolar and schizophrenic. As well as my Aunt and my late Grandfather. At times I have cooked up the possibilty of my mind being altered by mental disorders or defects. But I have seen my mother hospitalized. I've seen her during mental breakdowns and pure loss of who she really is. I've never been through that. I am completely positive that those symptons or what others would call diseases are not my issue. 

So what do I do? Of even more importance, why do I feel this way.

My friends, my brothers as well have female relationships that are a cornerstone in their lives. The woman I felt a real connection to did not reciprocate those emotions. I feel as if something that petty, something that trivial couldn't be the reason for my advanced depression and loneliness, but maybe it is.

A possibility could my upbringing. My parents are saints and there is NO doubt about that. However, from ages 1-12 we lived comfortably. My mother was stable (stress is a clear trigger to her bipolar disorder and schizophrenia). After that things bottomed out. From ages 13-17 we faced evictions galore. We lived with my uncle for about a year to avoid being homeless. This is where I feel most of my personal issues come from.

Forget the female relationships. Forget the mental disorders that could've carried over from generations. Maybe I'm wrong but I think the lack of money and financial issues are a major factor in my personal issues. 

Please try to understand my point of view for this next passage. I am disgusted by all of this. I feel no pride in the things that I have done. Were they necessary to keep my family afloat? Yes. I will never regret that. Am i wrecked by the things that I've done to others to keep the ship upright? Absolutely.

I scared and intimidated people into paying up for drug money. I have stabbed for the sake of keeping the lights on. Shot for the purpose of keeping the house warm. What I had to do for money I had to do. I have never killed, but I have definitely walked the line. In my mind, the utilities being shut down meant my mom would have episodes. That meant my father would have to take time off of work. That led to a total shit show. I wouldn't let it happen. 

Maybe this is why I can't become close to others and disclose my thoughts. I come from a middle to upper class school district. My friends are angry with their parents even when they pay their college tuition. They throw fits because their parents buy them a car they didn't think was cool. People find issues with things that I would kill for. I can't relate to their situations. I love my friends (or so I think), but I see a different life in them. Something that has no relativity to what I've been through. I say I can trust them but I guess I'm afraid of them not understanding. I guess I'm afraid of them judging me due to the situations that I have dealt with because not many around me have been in these type of dilemmas.

Maybe I'm going to far at this point. I've been writing for 30 minutes. Rambling even. 

FINAL NOTE: I've been drinking heavy since about 16. Not highschool heavy drinking, but alcoholic type drinking. I smoke weed everyday because I feel like it helps to distract me from my issues, but upon further eval. it may be dragging me deeper because it clearly isn't a solution. I don't expect a simple solution from any of you. I know it can't be that easy, but anybody that has been through something like this I would love to hear from. Thank you for reading.