Please do not read this if you might be upset by any details of rape or PTSD...
Seriously, if you could be upset by anything I have written about my life, don't read this. the last thing I want is to hurt or upset someone else. I just... I really needed to put this out in the world for me, and I don't want to upset anyone.I'm to turn 21 next month... everyone is asking me what I want to do and what do I want for presents...I have no answers. I'm indecisive by nature, I don't respond well to pressure especially when there is a time limit... but that's not even the whole problem.
The problem is that in my head, and when I look in the mirror, I'm still a teenage girl being raped and abused by "friends" and ex-boyfriends. In my head, I'm still too young to cope with any of it when I should be older, I should be dealing with it and it's not happening any more. I understood today why I cry when I mess up with my driving instructor there. Why it hurts so badly.Yeah sure, I'm under a lot of pressure to pass soon, I should have learnt years ago, I don't think I can pass my test and I can't handle mistakes or consequences on any real level. But actually when it comes down to it... it's because he's a man and he's shouting at me... PTSD is a serious cock-womble.
I also realised today why I couldn't be a lesbian if me and my boyfriend did ever break up, God forbid. Sure, I don't trust guys any more, barely a single one in anything and there is only one I trust remotely with my body but do you know what... I can't trust girls with it either. Not only did they fuck my (now ex)boyfriends whilst my back was turned, but one of them... a "friend" not only shagged my boyfriend (now ex-boyfriend and rapist)... but she then fingered me in my sleep. Some girls... are just as dirty as boys. I don't want another person to touch me for the rest of my life. Just my boyfriend. Just him. No-one else. And I swear if he ever did hurt me... I'd never have a scrap of faith that another human being could be trusted in my presence ever again. So... here's hoping my love is as well placed as I believe it is. Thank the lord I know this one would never hurt me.Last realisation of the day: I think I have Vaginismus. Life is so bright and full of wonder. If it wasn't for my family and my boyfriend I think I'd be back on the self-harm runaway train by now. Thinking of him holding me is all I can do not to get re-acquainted with the scissors. Fuck this world.
I'm just a kid in here. Just a kid. I can't handle this. I'm not 20 years old. I'm just not. I don't look it and I only feel it when I forget for a while and spend time with the man I love. All I ever, ever wanted from the start was to be a good person, to be truly loved, to be in love, to be happy and to achieve some level of greatness, or even goodness would have done.
I need help. I need help so badly. Please... sometimes I just feel so dirty and so broken and so very alone. I feel like I've fucked up my entire life in advance... Even if I get better, and me and my boyfriend stay together and get married and have kids, this will always be there, it'll affect my choices and actions, and I won't get to look back on my past as fondly as I would love to. What if I never make him truly happy? I'm not ready for life to go on. I'm not ready for it to start, but it did and I got swept up in it... Now I'm here. I have this overwhelming sense of impending hurt and failure and I'm not sure I can handle it another time... I'm not sure I have it in me...
The problem is that in my head, and when I look in the mirror, I'm still a teenage girl being raped and abused by "friends" and ex-boyfriends. In my head, I'm still too young to cope with any of it when I should be older, I should be dealing with it and it's not happening any more. I understood today why I cry when I mess up with my driving instructor there. Why it hurts so badly.Yeah sure, I'm under a lot of pressure to pass soon, I should have learnt years ago, I don't think I can pass my test and I can't handle mistakes or consequences on any real level. But actually when it comes down to it... it's because he's a man and he's shouting at me... PTSD is a serious cock-womble.
I also realised today why I couldn't be a lesbian if me and my boyfriend did ever break up, God forbid. Sure, I don't trust guys any more, barely a single one in anything and there is only one I trust remotely with my body but do you know what... I can't trust girls with it either. Not only did they fuck my (now ex)boyfriends whilst my back was turned, but one of them... a "friend" not only shagged my boyfriend (now ex-boyfriend and rapist)... but she then fingered me in my sleep. Some girls... are just as dirty as boys. I don't want another person to touch me for the rest of my life. Just my boyfriend. Just him. No-one else. And I swear if he ever did hurt me... I'd never have a scrap of faith that another human being could be trusted in my presence ever again. So... here's hoping my love is as well placed as I believe it is. Thank the lord I know this one would never hurt me.Last realisation of the day: I think I have Vaginismus. Life is so bright and full of wonder. If it wasn't for my family and my boyfriend I think I'd be back on the self-harm runaway train by now. Thinking of him holding me is all I can do not to get re-acquainted with the scissors. Fuck this world.
I'm just a kid in here. Just a kid. I can't handle this. I'm not 20 years old. I'm just not. I don't look it and I only feel it when I forget for a while and spend time with the man I love. All I ever, ever wanted from the start was to be a good person, to be truly loved, to be in love, to be happy and to achieve some level of greatness, or even goodness would have done.
I need help. I need help so badly. Please... sometimes I just feel so dirty and so broken and so very alone. I feel like I've fucked up my entire life in advance... Even if I get better, and me and my boyfriend stay together and get married and have kids, this will always be there, it'll affect my choices and actions, and I won't get to look back on my past as fondly as I would love to. What if I never make him truly happy? I'm not ready for life to go on. I'm not ready for it to start, but it did and I got swept up in it... Now I'm here. I have this overwhelming sense of impending hurt and failure and I'm not sure I can handle it another time... I'm not sure I have it in me...
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