Pissed off and down in dumps

I am lost today. Seems to be one of my bad days. Not a lot of anxiety yet and hope it stays that. Just feeling worthless today. Some people can say some hurtfull things. Why is it that most people dont understand depression and anxiety? They look at you like you are some kind of nut or crazy person. That make fun of people like me and even have names they call people like me. How can a person stay positive when they look for help and some of the feed back is cruel. I am really giving it my all to get better, but afte suffering with this disease for 20 years I am really thinking I cant beat it. I try to trust in god but I cant understand why he would want people to feel this way and live with such fear. I dont go to church but I do believe in god. I just dont understand a lot of stuff in the bible. To mean they are just words. I guess I am not getting the meaning out of it. For others I see them have such strength and wonder where they get it from. Some tell me they turn to god for faith. I have asked god for help. I dont see much results. I dont know if he thinks I am a bad person or if this is some kind of test or what? I dont do bad things and I try to treat people good. Well I do have one bad habit and that is smoking. I am currently off on medical leave from work due to my anxiety and depression. I have a feeling that I will never get over this to be able to hold a job. I have had 15 jobs in the last 20 years. That is due to my anxiety. When the panic strikes me it makes it impossible for me to function at work. I end up quiting before getting fired. I think cause I have quit so many jobs it looks as bad as getting fired. I am getting older and I think it is harder to get a job the older you get. Most employers are looking for younger people and people who been on a job for some time. I have never stayed at a job for more than 4 years. I would love to be able to work and live a normal life. I just feel like I have lost control of my life to fear. i get frustrated when i start a new med and it seems to be working and the after a while all the anxiety and depression comes back. Then I have to start all over again. It is not fair. Anyways I will try and find some rellief some where.

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deleted_user
deleted_user

You have a very stressful job that can\'t be any help to your depression or/and anxiety. Perhaps a less stressful and more fun type of job would be helpful. You like the outdoors, so why not look for a job you would enjoy going to each day. A job you would look forward to. I pass alot of outdoor workers when I go for a walk and I always say to them \"hard job but someone\'s got to do it.\" They always smile and agree.