pissed, hurt, mad.......

 
I am so many emotions right now. I just found out a friend I have been praying for to get pregnant with this IVF rounds got het BFN. I have never met her in real life yet I feel so close to her like I do so many of my DS sisters. I think about her often as we both Got our BFP at the same time but she MC. It broke my heart, and so does this. I get how she feels i know how it is. I remember the pain and the hopelessness and i hate it. I want more than anything for her to have the joy of holding your baby. She deserves to be a mom so much. She is already a good mom making sacrifices just to have the possibility.
 
 Then i think about me with my happy healthy one year old. And i think about the pain of the last several month so not being able to get pregnant and the bad test results. I think about the pain of the infertility starting all over again and I am humbled. I already have so much to be thankful for.
 
I don’t understand why we were chosen to bear this battle of infertility. Its not because we are super strong people. Because by the end of it we are worn down and empty.
 
I am so all over the place now of days. one day o want this one day that. Its driving me crazy and DH.
 
I went ahead and ordered some clomid on-line. MY ob wants me to go see a RE but i dont want to I know what i am and am not willing to do. I wish they would just listen to me. Im not spending a crap load of money again. So we will see what happens. Im going to take 50mg CD 5-9. Im on CD 19 so ill start after af next month. DH will love CLomid BITCH!
 

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Oooh I remember the clomid side of me, horror---terror---etc LOL Good luck with that! It\'s so hard and it never gets easier--but we appreciate the smaller things in life so much more. It\'s a way of building character I think! Hang in there!!