Pioneer Woman

Went to counseling yesterday.  They overbooked with the temps until my regular counselor returns.  Was able to see Maria.  Very nice woman and was more at ease with her than Melissa.  My counselor Susan is still on medical leave, so I am staying with Maria until she returns.  Maria really explained the roller coaster of emotions with grief.  Seems since I have been fighting anxiety every day, I haven't been able to do much else, including riding the waves, so to speak.  She didn't say that, but I realize it. Told her the primary has me on Cymbalta and a sleep aid, which I will cut down to .5 mg in a week.  I explained to him that counselor Susan doesn't want me taking anything that is going to mask the grief pain, etc. for me to experience in order to heal.  Doctor was in agreement and said the meds would not.  Marie told me that grief is very hard and we should not be ashamed to accept whatever tools we need, including medication.  She reminded me they are meds I will not be on forever. For the pioneer story, the heavy rains came overnight.  I awoke at 3 and the clock time was still on.  Woke again at 4:50 to find the power was out.  Amazed myself that I got out of bed, through the dark to the garage, found the rechargeable Coleman lantern, set the travel alarm for 6 a.m., and went back to bed.  Once the alarm went off, ate and dressed by Coleman, packed up the car for work, and drove in the heavy rainfall.  Something I would have been afraid to do if my dear husband were here.  I really do believe he watches over me, for if I had not woke up at 4:50 I would not have known we had no power. Going to a bereavement group Monday evening for first time.  I will try anything.  I know this journey is painful, long and I'm lost.  I hope to recover with some sense of purpose, and peace.  I don't like the terror thought of being alone.  I have mixed feelings about living on my own.  I don't like it at times, but I don't have a choice.  It's either pray that I get use to it, or move someone in with me, which I am opposed to.  Don't want to entertain someone nor take on their burdens too.  Marie said this is also part of the grief journey, for we have lost our partner and have not totally been on our own.  I will cry when I need to, and get to a point where I think I can't do this anymore, but I hope that God lifts me up and allows me to continue.  Found a passage from the bible, Matthew, Chapter 6, which really gives me a source of peace.  I typed it and will hang it on the refrigerator. Not looking forward to the weekend, as they are bad and trying.  Hope this get easier too.  Hope things get easier for all of us Love you all, Debbie