Piecing my life together

I woke up feeling a lot better this morning.
Yesterday was a difficult day. Im looking through photos of my life to trigger my memory. Trying to remember where I got lost. I figured I must be in there somewhere. There must of been times when I was just me.
I was triggered through music. An email reminded me of punk music. I am a punk rocker...I was a punk rocker...I love music...I guess I like music now...
I started to get very confused. I remembered the first time I heard that song. I was 13 and listening to the radio. A song by the offspring came on. I was blown away. I had never heard guitar music before like that! My parents liked Louis Armstrong and Buddy Holly but this was different. I went mental. I jumped around my room, banged my head and bounced of the walls. I could not wait for it to come on the radio again.
I had found something I liked. I found it by myself. I enjoyed it by myself. I had nothing to prove to anyone in that moment. Nobody was in my head. My thoughts were silent. I was free. I was happy.
Slowly I started to lose myself again. What music do they like? I bet they would like this? I will listen to this and then if they ask me what I'm listening to then they will like me. What bands do you like? Yeah..I guess I like them (go home and listen to every song they ever made) yeah I like them..I guess...If you do...
For a brief moment in my life I started expressing myself and nobody liked it. I can see now I slowly started to change.
The one thing I have come to appreciate are my tattoos. I forget they are there as they have become a part of me. I got them done during a phase of being myself. I got them done because they meant something to me. They have special meaning to my life which I have never told anyone about. They tell a story. They are mine. It was my life and I lived it. 
I havent had a tattoo for seven years. Two months ago I thought to myself I'm going to get another one done. Maybe my subconscious knew there was about to become a big change in my life. I said to my ex im going to get a tattoo. She said no. She said I was not allowed one. My jaw hit the floor. What the fuck had I become? 
After my journal writing yesterday I found myself hiding in my thoughts. All these voices in my head of the people I was so desperately trying to seek approval, who were they? I saw myself. Scared, afraid. I had put up so many masks to hide myself. Fear of being loved. I felt kind of sorry for myself!
I was on youtube and I looked to the side. There was a foo fighters song. The pretender. I clicked. I had heard it before and thought it was alright.  All of a sudden I could hear it again! It was alive! I could hear the music! It felt like I had not heard music in 16 years. I felt happy. The video was fitting to how I feel right now! I feel like im on the warpath!
I decided to treat myself to a trip to see the love of my life, the ocean. I feel like I've been missing out on really appreciating what it means to be alive over the past...um...all my life. Hey, thats another foo song isnt it? maybe I should check that one out aswell!
Going to have some lunch then go see my love.
Feeling happy!