photos from the journal of losinghopeelly
Journal Entry for February 26, 2012 Sunday, February 26, 2012 | A Sad story
I've lived in denial for such a long time about how I really look. I have pretended for so long that the side long glances at me were not because people were disgusted at me and how I look. I have been fat for longer than I can remember and lived with self imposed rules that have so people will not think badly of me. While there are people out there that are overweight that are just like me, who struggle and battle with their demons and weight on a daily even moment to moment basis there are still the others out there that are frankly slobs and don't care. They are the ones that you see at a buffet that are eating many plates of food in one setting. That are wearing clothes so tight that their fat rolls are hanging out. They think that because they are overweight they deserve some special privilege and they don't care how they come off to other people. I have tried to so desperately not be one of those kind of people and yet often wonder what people see when they look at me. I have imposed all kinds of rules on myself so that when I am in public people will not clump me in with those that just don't care about themselves. I'm not one of them. I wear loose fitting clothes and my shirts need to fairly long so that they will go down over my fat but and yet high enough to cover my big chest. I don't wear shorts in public and only wear a swimsuit when I am swimming because shorts tend to get weighted down and fall off. Don't eat in the car because someone you know may just see you eating there or even someone you don't know and believe that is all you spend your time doing. You have no other life but eating food all day long. I am so much more than that. I do not spend all my time eating and usually have to set alarms or reminders to make sure that I eat each day. I thank God every day for my little boy because with him being so young and not able to feed himself I am reminded to feed him and myself. When I go to a buffet to eat I like to eat soup, salad, and only one time through the line. No extra plates for me and I am usually very satisfied with my choices. Once in a blue moon I will have desert but since I have been diagnosed diabetic I usually limit that option. I usually cut my food up into small pieces and chew very slowly as this tends to fill me up even faster. I always leave food behind on my plate no matter how much or how little there is on the plate to start with. Hoping that when people look at me they won't see someone pigging out yet again. While I don't have a lot of clothes at this point mostly because it's hard to find clothes at the store in my size I take care of the ones I have so that I at least look decent. More often than not I stay in my house and don't go any place. When my health took a turn for the worse and I found that I could not even shop without the aid of an electric cart it was a low point in my life. I was proud of myself that I could at least get my groceries under my own power. I was proud that even though I was fat I wasn't gross. Then today I take pre-surgery photos of myself in just my underwear (tomorrow I will be taking them in a short set I have that I have been dying to fit in nicely and it's snug on me now) and took my measurements. Man was that a blow to my self-esteem. I was always the one snapping the pictures and making sure that they were not being snapped of me. I guess in my own way I was protecting myself from the very heartache I felt today when I looked at those pictures. I know that I will get through this I feel very educated on the surgery, what is pretty much the normal expectations before and after surgery, what complications could arise, what side effects most people suffer. This board has been a wonderful thing in education and I have found myself reading through posts making note after note. I make notes about things to ask my doctor about, notes about things that have been mentioned to make before and after surgery easier. I feel that this board has really helped me prepare physically and mentally for this change. I would love to eventually get back down to a size 10 (somewhere I haven't been since junior high school) I can't wait to be able to go to the store and walk in and buy myself clothes that are in style, cute, on the rack and in my size in large numbers. Right now I wear a size 28 and it is so hard to find something on the rack in my size that I can afford. I want to be able to go in to the store and finally buy myself a new coat for winter that will actually fit. I've been taking the small steps in getting ready for this surgery for instance my biggest problem was drinking soda all the time and I have made the cut from that knowing after surgery its a big no-no. I talked with a different lady the other day here locally that had the surgery and had problems and despite the problems she said she wouldn't change a thing. She did relate to me that even after the surgery she struggled with weight loss and that I shouldn't deprive myself of anything I like to eat because it will just make it harder to lose the weight. She told me about things that she eats and drinks and that she even sips on beverages while eating. Well I have learned enough to know that you cannot do that because it will cause food to slip on through, soda will cause the pouch to expand, and even though you have a pouch you will still need to watch what you eat. While I don't try to make light of what it is that people are going through for this surgery I feel like I have half the battle already won. I can no longer have periods, I no longer have a gall bladder, I deal with nausea and sometimes vomiting on a daily basis, I have to eat my food slowly and in small portions or I will vomit it back up. I don't care to eat all that much at a time so portion sizes will not be a problem for me. I have educated myself on this surgery to the point that I feel confident in the choice I have made. I have researched the surgeon that I have chosen in and out to the point that I know how many surgeries he has performed and what percentage were successful. I have talked with people that have had him for a surgeon for their experience with him and his staff. Not everyone said they had a rosy experience but for the most part before during and after the surgery he has been a very good doctor. I am ready for this change. And I just realized that after I have the surgery I am going to lose weight at and incredible rate. My husband being a long haul truck driver is usually out 6-8 weeks at a time so when he comes in he will see big changes in me and continually be surprised.
I've lived in denial for such a long time about how I really look. I have pretended for so long that the side long glances at me were not because people were disgusted at me and how I look. I have been fat for longer than I can remember and lived with self imposed rules that have so people will not think badly of me. While there are people out there that are overweight that are just like me, who struggle and battle with their demons and weight on a daily even moment to moment basis there are still the others out there that are frankly slobs and don't care. They are the ones that you see at a buffet that are eating many plates of food in one setting. That are wearing clothes so tight that their fat rolls are hanging out. They think that because they are overweight they deserve some special privilege and they don't care how they come off to other people. I have tried to so desperately not be one of those kind of people and yet often wonder what people see when they look at me. I have imposed all kinds of rules on myself so that when I am in public people will not clump me in with those that just don't care about themselves. I'm not one of them. I wear loose fitting clothes and my shirts need to fairly long so that they will go down over my fat but and yet high enough to cover my big chest. I don't wear shorts in public and only wear a swimsuit when I am swimming because shorts tend to get weighted down and fall off. Don't eat in the car because someone you know may just see you eating there or even someone you don't know and believe that is all you spend your time doing. You have no other life but eating food all day long. I am so much more than that. I do not spend all my time eating and usually have to set alarms or reminders to make sure that I eat each day. I thank God every day for my little boy because with him being so young and not able to feed himself I am reminded to feed him and myself. When I go to a buffet to eat I like to eat soup, salad, and only one time through the line. No extra plates for me and I am usually very satisfied with my choices. Once in a blue moon I will have desert but since I have been diagnosed diabetic I usually limit that option. I usually cut my food up into small pieces and chew very slowly as this tends to fill me up even faster. I always leave food behind on my plate no matter how much or how little there is on the plate to start with. Hoping that when people look at me they won't see someone pigging out yet again. While I don't have a lot of clothes at this point mostly because it's hard to find clothes at the store in my size I take care of the ones I have so that I at least look decent. More often than not I stay in my house and don't go any place. When my health took a turn for the worse and I found that I could not even shop without the aid of an electric cart it was a low point in my life. I was proud of myself that I could at least get my groceries under my own power. I was proud that even though I was fat I wasn't gross. Then today I take pre-surgery photos of myself in just my underwear (tomorrow I will be taking them in a short set I have that I have been dying to fit in nicely and it's snug on me now) and took my measurements. Man was that a blow to my self-esteem. I was always the one snapping the pictures and making sure that they were not being snapped of me. I guess in my own way I was protecting myself from the very heartache I felt today when I looked at those pictures. I know that I will get through this I feel very educated on the surgery, what is pretty much the normal expectations before and after surgery, what complications could arise, what side effects most people suffer. This board has been a wonderful thing in education and I have found myself reading through posts making note after note. I make notes about things to ask my doctor about, notes about things that have been mentioned to make before and after surgery easier. I feel that this board has really helped me prepare physically and mentally for this change. I would love to eventually get back down to a size 10 (somewhere I haven't been since junior high school) I can't wait to be able to go to the store and walk in and buy myself clothes that are in style, cute, on the rack and in my size in large numbers. Right now I wear a size 28 and it is so hard to find something on the rack in my size that I can afford. I want to be able to go in to the store and finally buy myself a new coat for winter that will actually fit. I've been taking the small steps in getting ready for this surgery for instance my biggest problem was drinking soda all the time and I have made the cut from that knowing after surgery its a big no-no. I talked with a different lady the other day here locally that had the surgery and had problems and despite the problems she said she wouldn't change a thing. She did relate to me that even after the surgery she struggled with weight loss and that I shouldn't deprive myself of anything I like to eat because it will just make it harder to lose the weight. She told me about things that she eats and drinks and that she even sips on beverages while eating. Well I have learned enough to know that you cannot do that because it will cause food to slip on through, soda will cause the pouch to expand, and even though you have a pouch you will still need to watch what you eat. While I don't try to make light of what it is that people are going through for this surgery I feel like I have half the battle already won. I can no longer have periods, I no longer have a gall bladder, I deal with nausea and sometimes vomiting on a daily basis, I have to eat my food slowly and in small portions or I will vomit it back up. I don't care to eat all that much at a time so portion sizes will not be a problem for me. I have educated myself on this surgery to the point that I feel confident in the choice I have made. I have researched the surgeon that I have chosen in and out to the point that I know how many surgeries he has performed and what percentage were successful. I have talked with people that have had him for a surgeon for their experience with him and his staff. Not everyone said they had a rosy experience but for the most part before during and after the surgery he has been a very good doctor. I am ready for this change. And I just realized that after I have the surgery I am going to lose weight at and incredible rate. My husband being a long haul truck driver is usually out 6-8 weeks at a time so when he comes in he will see big changes in me and continually be surprised.
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