Phone Call
Today I went to therapy and all hell broke loose. My mother's insurance switched because her work changed everybody's provider, and they don't take my current therapist. I freaked out, I am not switching therapists again. I have bounced around from 5-6 therapists, the process of repeatedly getting to know them for no good reason is terrible and stressful and not helping. I love my therapist and if I can't see her, than fuck this shit. Really.
Anyways, I kind of broke down and my therapist basically told me she's very concerned. She said I seem to be getting worse, and until the eating problems are resolved, she doesn't see me able to make any progress. She asked me if I know I have a problem. I said I know I had an eating disorder in the past, and I do think I have disordered eating right now. But I would not say that I have an "eating disorder." It was kind of a realization for me, too. I feel like I'm not sick enough to deserve treatment, that I only want attention. This is hard to type, I feel like I'm looking for attention and I fucking hate it.
When I was sick before, my mother didn't work very hard to get me into any treatment program. Whenever I mentioned inpatient, she told me I was deluded. She said I had this image of what inpatient centers were like, that I thought they were great and that I didn't belong there with those girls. She didn't deny I had an ED, she just wouldn't send me anywhere. As a result I've come to associate asking for help with wanting attention and being deluded. I feel like I've been trained by my mother to tell myself I'm "not like these other people with ED's", and that I wouldn't fit in at a treatment center.
But now my therapist thinks I need to do a program for eating disorders. And she wants to call my mom and tell her how bad it is, because she doesn't think she knows. I've been purging daily for months, hate myself, think I'm fat, go through restrictive periods, use food for comfort. I can type all that out and still say I think I'm being a baby and not really sick, I just need to get over it. But I can't.
I got really nervous and wanted to know what she is going to say. She said she is going to tell my mother "Megan came in progressively more depressed and hopeless each time. I noticed at this appointment she had gotten even worse, and seemed awfully thin. I questioned her relentlessly until she revealed she had been purging and engaging in restrictive behaviors."
I still feel it's all a load of shit, that because sometimes I can eat things without throwing up I don't need help. If I were really sick, my mother would notice and fight for me. She hasn't ever fought for me, I always had to badger to get into therapy, to switch meds, to do this or that. I was the one that pushed for my own recovery and I'm at the point where I can't and won't anymore. I feel let down by my mother so much for not doing those things other parents of teens with ED's did. It made me feel like a failure of an ED, and that I'm not sick.
I don't know how I feel about this. I might still text my therapist and take back permission to call my mother. I feel like no matter what I did, it isn't eating disordered enough. I eat normally at some meals. I hate myself for being normal and I hate myself for eating abnormally. I'm in a really tight spot and idk what residential treatment place would take me, because in my eyes I'm just a chunky, stupid idiot who doesn't have an ED, but who can't get it together to live normally.
Anyways, I kind of broke down and my therapist basically told me she's very concerned. She said I seem to be getting worse, and until the eating problems are resolved, she doesn't see me able to make any progress. She asked me if I know I have a problem. I said I know I had an eating disorder in the past, and I do think I have disordered eating right now. But I would not say that I have an "eating disorder." It was kind of a realization for me, too. I feel like I'm not sick enough to deserve treatment, that I only want attention. This is hard to type, I feel like I'm looking for attention and I fucking hate it.
When I was sick before, my mother didn't work very hard to get me into any treatment program. Whenever I mentioned inpatient, she told me I was deluded. She said I had this image of what inpatient centers were like, that I thought they were great and that I didn't belong there with those girls. She didn't deny I had an ED, she just wouldn't send me anywhere. As a result I've come to associate asking for help with wanting attention and being deluded. I feel like I've been trained by my mother to tell myself I'm "not like these other people with ED's", and that I wouldn't fit in at a treatment center.
But now my therapist thinks I need to do a program for eating disorders. And she wants to call my mom and tell her how bad it is, because she doesn't think she knows. I've been purging daily for months, hate myself, think I'm fat, go through restrictive periods, use food for comfort. I can type all that out and still say I think I'm being a baby and not really sick, I just need to get over it. But I can't.
I got really nervous and wanted to know what she is going to say. She said she is going to tell my mother "Megan came in progressively more depressed and hopeless each time. I noticed at this appointment she had gotten even worse, and seemed awfully thin. I questioned her relentlessly until she revealed she had been purging and engaging in restrictive behaviors."
I still feel it's all a load of shit, that because sometimes I can eat things without throwing up I don't need help. If I were really sick, my mother would notice and fight for me. She hasn't ever fought for me, I always had to badger to get into therapy, to switch meds, to do this or that. I was the one that pushed for my own recovery and I'm at the point where I can't and won't anymore. I feel let down by my mother so much for not doing those things other parents of teens with ED's did. It made me feel like a failure of an ED, and that I'm not sick.
I don't know how I feel about this. I might still text my therapist and take back permission to call my mother. I feel like no matter what I did, it isn't eating disordered enough. I eat normally at some meals. I hate myself for being normal and I hate myself for eating abnormally. I'm in a really tight spot and idk what residential treatment place would take me, because in my eyes I'm just a chunky, stupid idiot who doesn't have an ED, but who can't get it together to live normally.
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