Phone Call
Today I went to therapy and all hell broke loose. My mother's insurance switched because her work changed everybody's provider, and they don't take my current therapist. I freaked out, I am not switching therapists again. I have bounced around from 5-6 therapists, the process of repeatedly getting to know them for no good reason is terrible and stressful and not helping. I love my therapist and if I can't see her, than fuck this shit. Really.
Anyways, I kind of broke down and my therapist basically told me she's very concerned. She said I seem to be getting worse, and until the eating problems are resolved, she doesn't see me able to make any progress. She asked me if I know I have a problem. I said I know I had an eating disorder in the past, and I do think I have disordered eating right now. But I would not say that I have an "eating disorder." It was kind of a realization for me, too. I feel like I'm not sick enough to deserve treatment, that I only want attention. This is hard to type, I feel like I'm looking for attention and I fucking hate it.
When I was sick before, my mother didn't work very hard to get me into any treatment program. Whenever I mentioned inpatient, she told me I was deluded. She said I had this image of what inpatient centers were like, that I thought they were great and that I didn't belong there with those girls. She didn't deny I had an ED, she just wouldn't send me anywhere. As a result I've come to associate asking for help with wanting attention and being deluded. I feel like I've been trained by my mother to tell myself I'm "not like these other people with ED's", and that I wouldn't fit in at a treatment center.
But now my therapist thinks I need to do a program for eating disorders. And she wants to call my mom and tell her how bad it is, because she doesn't think she knows. I've been purging daily for months, hate myself, think I'm fat, go through restrictive periods, use food for comfort. I can type all that out and still say I think I'm being a baby and not really sick, I just need to get over it. But I can't.
I got really nervous and wanted to know what she is going to say. She said she is going to tell my mother "Megan came in progressively more depressed and hopeless each time. I noticed at this appointment she had gotten even worse, and seemed awfully thin. I questioned her relentlessly until she revealed she had been purging and engaging in restrictive behaviors."
I still feel it's all a load of shit, that because sometimes I can eat things without throwing up I don't need help. If I were really sick, my mother would notice and fight for me. She hasn't ever fought for me, I always had to badger to get into therapy, to switch meds, to do this or that. I was the one that pushed for my own recovery and I'm at the point where I can't and won't anymore. I feel let down by my mother so much for not doing those things other parents of teens with ED's did. It made me feel like a failure of an ED, and that I'm not sick.
I don't know how I feel about this. I might still text my therapist and take back permission to call my mother. I feel like no matter what I did, it isn't eating disordered enough. I eat normally at some meals. I hate myself for being normal and I hate myself for eating abnormally. I'm in a really tight spot and idk what residential treatment place would take me, because in my eyes I'm just a chunky, stupid idiot who doesn't have an ED, but who can't get it together to live normally.
Anyways, I kind of broke down and my therapist basically told me she's very concerned. She said I seem to be getting worse, and until the eating problems are resolved, she doesn't see me able to make any progress. She asked me if I know I have a problem. I said I know I had an eating disorder in the past, and I do think I have disordered eating right now. But I would not say that I have an "eating disorder." It was kind of a realization for me, too. I feel like I'm not sick enough to deserve treatment, that I only want attention. This is hard to type, I feel like I'm looking for attention and I fucking hate it.
When I was sick before, my mother didn't work very hard to get me into any treatment program. Whenever I mentioned inpatient, she told me I was deluded. She said I had this image of what inpatient centers were like, that I thought they were great and that I didn't belong there with those girls. She didn't deny I had an ED, she just wouldn't send me anywhere. As a result I've come to associate asking for help with wanting attention and being deluded. I feel like I've been trained by my mother to tell myself I'm "not like these other people with ED's", and that I wouldn't fit in at a treatment center.
But now my therapist thinks I need to do a program for eating disorders. And she wants to call my mom and tell her how bad it is, because she doesn't think she knows. I've been purging daily for months, hate myself, think I'm fat, go through restrictive periods, use food for comfort. I can type all that out and still say I think I'm being a baby and not really sick, I just need to get over it. But I can't.
I got really nervous and wanted to know what she is going to say. She said she is going to tell my mother "Megan came in progressively more depressed and hopeless each time. I noticed at this appointment she had gotten even worse, and seemed awfully thin. I questioned her relentlessly until she revealed she had been purging and engaging in restrictive behaviors."
I still feel it's all a load of shit, that because sometimes I can eat things without throwing up I don't need help. If I were really sick, my mother would notice and fight for me. She hasn't ever fought for me, I always had to badger to get into therapy, to switch meds, to do this or that. I was the one that pushed for my own recovery and I'm at the point where I can't and won't anymore. I feel let down by my mother so much for not doing those things other parents of teens with ED's did. It made me feel like a failure of an ED, and that I'm not sick.
I don't know how I feel about this. I might still text my therapist and take back permission to call my mother. I feel like no matter what I did, it isn't eating disordered enough. I eat normally at some meals. I hate myself for being normal and I hate myself for eating abnormally. I'm in a really tight spot and idk what residential treatment place would take me, because in my eyes I'm just a chunky, stupid idiot who doesn't have an ED, but who can't get it together to live normally.
Replies
There is a lot going on here I would love to ask questions about but here is what stood out for me; you\'re afraid, you\'re in denial, and you\'re starting to make excuses and manipulate the situation. While it\'s good that you can eat some things without throwing up; if you\'re purging daily and you\'re not getting better, then more intensive treatment options must be taken. Why? Because this is a fatal disorder. I think it\'s a common fear that when the idea of treatment facilities are tossed around that we convince ourselves we aren\'t sick enough for them. Which is rather strange considering the following; you loathe yourself physically, you can\'t eat and you have an emotional uprooting with your mother. In my books you\'re still a child who is developing - physically and emotionally - who, if doesn\'t actively try to get healthier, will get stuck in a very destructive pattern in your early adulthood.
It\'s hard to read the comments about your mother. Try to stand in her shoes. While she may not actively engage and say that you are sick or have a disorder; she is hurt by this. Many times parents scapegoat or put up a barrier to not show how they feel in these circumstances. And truth be told; did those parents who pushed their children for treatment get better? It has to be a choice you make to save yourself, not your mothers. She is probably more scared than she has ever been in her life watching her daughter actively kill herself. Could she say anything to make you feel better? Is there anything she could possibly do at this moment that would make you stop being ill? Eating disorders are a scary, confusing and horrible thing for families; especially parents to witness. Yes, she may be in denial about your illness, but perhaps that\'s because facing the reality would break her. To admit her daughter will die if she continues down this path. Because that\'s the truth. And partly it sounds as if you want to stay ill as an aggressive manner towards your mom; as if to say \"see what I can do when you don\'t give a damn.\"
Killing yourself will not make her love you more. Living will make all the difference. And yes, while you are a rather incredible young woman, you do need something more than a therapist at this moment. It\'s nothing to be ashamed of or scared of; we all need extra help along the way in this crazy world. :)
Wow almost cried reading this... i could have wrote a very similar journal with same feelings. I have been really struggling with this lately infact journaled on it in my last writing. I try to make it ok in my mind to say im not that sick and live in denial. There is no way to recovery if we keep believing all the lies... if you purging , restricting, have negative thoughts about your self like this then you are sick enough to need the help. Please keep fighting to recover dont end up like me and still fighting this battle at age 43. Hugggzzz
I have a feeling that that\'s what MOST people with eating disorders think about themselves when the possibility of going into a residential facility becomes a reality. A rotten part of the illness is that it blinds you to the fact that you HAVE an illness.
Hasn\'t your therapist said anything to you about your mother maybe being in denial about your eating disorder? (And you do show all symptoms of having an eating disorder.)
It sounds to me like when your mother first told you that you were deluded, way back when you talked to her about going inpatient, that she was just in deep, deep denial. She couldn\'t bear the thought of her daughter needing to be in need of such serious treatment. That she didn\'t want to think that you have something so very serious.
I hope that you let the therapist talk to your mother and I hope that she can get through to your mother. But even if she can\'t, you must start to be your own advocate!!! It would -- and hopefully, will -- be wonderful if your mother steps up to bat and helps you fight this disease so that it doesn\'t ruin your life, or even end it. Because that is the path that it follows, if not treated.
But YOU must start taking care of yourself, as well!!!
I so hope you get to keep this therapist, since you like her and already have a great relationship with her!!! I would hate to see you have to start over with someone else, good though they may be. I don\'t blame you for not wanting to start over with someone else!!!!!
Right now, your therapist is advocating for you. Follow her lead. You trust her, don\'t you? Then trust what she says about you and about your physical well-being. Let her speak to your mother and if you can, YOU speak up to your mother, as well. Don\'t think that just because your mother doesn\'t take much action on your behalf that it means there\'s nothing wrong. What it means is that either your mother does not realize how serious this situation is or, more likely, she does not know what to do to help you and she is scared out of her mind. If the therapist can show her what she can do to help you, then maybe it will make it easier for YOU to get the help that you need. And you do need it. Purging is not a normal (or safe) way of life. And even if you don\'t do it \'every\' time, doing it at all is not the action of a well person. You have a serious illness, with a 20% mortality rate. You cannot take this too seriously. It IS serious. As serious as can be.
You can have a beautiful and happy future ahead of you, filled with fun and contentedness, and music, and all the things you dream for yourself. But not if you just continue on the way you are going now. The time for help is now. Letting your therapist talk to your mom is a great start. I hope that she can get through to her. And don\'t YOU minimize your behavior to your mother. Be open and honest with her about your relationship with food. You can\'t hide things from her and then think that because she does nothing, it means that you are not ill.
Please start taking steps to save your life. It will never be any easier to deal with than it is right now. (((((Hugs)))))
I think the advice above says it all..but I do want to add that this is not something you grow out of. I think the earlier you get treatment, the better your life can be. I waited until I was 22 to get into treatment. 10 years before that I wasted time that I could have been living and learning to love myself or at least enjoy things. But I never considered myself sick enough...now I just feel like I will never be well. This is your chance to make a big change for the better if you are ready. For you!
omfg I feel like you literally took all the words out of my life this is my exact same story. From switching therapists to crazy controling in denial mother to the doing it for attention to the not feeling \"sick enough\" this is me. I\'m here for you girlie I\'m not sure how or even if I can help but I\'m in the same boat if you ever want to talk.
\"I feel like I\'m not sick enough to deserve treatment, that I only want attention. This is hard to type, I feel like I\'m looking for attention and I fucking hate it\" THIS could have been written by me, seriously THIS is what im having to most problems with, I feel like a drain on the nhs........
Hugs hunny....i feel the same way, i dont believe im ill in anyway, but i must be otherwise i would have the intervention that i have had and the same for you...you wouldnt be in therapy if it wasnt necessary they dont have you for the sake of it, you deserve your place...hope you feel better soon xxx
So what\'s so wrong with wanting attention??? We all want to be heard.
I see no need to repeat the good advice above me. Only thng I will add is sometimes you need tobe your own best friend and advocate.
It asounds like your Mom has troubles of her own and is just not able to \"get it\" of perhaps she does get it but can\'t face it.
Mom\'s are human beings too and flawed
I vowed that the only treatment I would never let myself get down to was inpatient. It seemed the bottom of the barrel. Real signal of failure. Then one day I got scared, canceled everything on my calendar and checked myself in. Best thing I ever did. I got out 6 weeks ago and have never felt better.
You are in a difficult position. I think that you need to see YOU as separate from your mother and that you are your own person. Decisions you make should be guided by your treatment team. The sooner you get help the more you can learn to \'live\'. I\'m sure you have dreams for the future - try and do what you need to to be able to reach these.
You are in a very tough spot bud. Life is tough and your own head wont let you see it that way. I do think you answered your own questions. And believe me, you DO have an eating disorder and that is NOTHING to be ashamed of. Your mom may not know or speak up A) because she is frightened and doesnt know what to say B) really is oblivious and thinks your seeking attention or C) You are so strong and in such denial that you have a problem that you are hiding it very VERY well. And I think it is C. I think if your therapist believes you need more extensive care.. then I would listen. You seem to really trust and care for her.. She would not lie to you and she cares for you. I care for you. Think about IP... Tell your mom and get the support you need.