Personality Disorders

So I was doing some reading on active beat.com on borderline personality disorder and 10 other personality disorders.

I think I have something called anankastic personality disorder, which is an obsession with perfection. Without striving for the perfect life I don't see any point to my life. I don't see how to take pride in something that I didn't do perfectly. To me that is a failure.

I'm not sure if I had this when I was younger, but when we are young we have hope that our future lives will get better. I don't have much hope for that now. I've always felt I couldn't live up to my mother's high expectations. From what I was reading she def falls into the narcissistic personality disorder. She is and always has been very emotionally abusive and head gamey. She also had me when she was old, so now she is very old and can't really take care of herself. So I can't really leave.

I escaped once when I was 24 and lived with my ex. He was also severely emotionally abusive and sexually abused me. He body shamed me and always told me I needed breast implants and that I was the stupidest woman he ever met. I could never do anything right and then I caught him cheating with multiple women, one of which was a teenager. I now know he was a sociopath and a sexual narcissist. Sex with him was awful. I never got off once the entire 6 months we were together. I had never had a bf before so I didn't know anything. I stayed thru the hell because I believed all the judgemental things he told me. I believed all men were like him and that I was too stupid and unattractive to do any better and that all the sick painful sexual things he wanted to do to me was normal because I had never been with anyone before. I waited to date until after college because I didn't want to screw up my education. It was very important to me to have something no one could take away from me and that I felt made me a better person.

Anyway I finally found the courage to leave him. It was hard because I had to go back to my mom, which was also awful. I had no money left but I got a job second shift so I didn't have to be around mom much. Then I started running a fever and feeling unwell. I went to the doctor and at first they thought I had cancer but then learned I had a very bad viral infection caused by an STD. I thought I was going to die. I had been saving money to go back to college and take some more specialized classes. I was a chef and bartender for a very nice lady who let me take off for treatment without losing my job. I was leaving work late one night and a drunk customer was out there and said he wanted to fuck. He chased me around my car and I fell in a pothole and sprained my ankle. My boss wouldn't let me work like that so I had to take off work again. All the not working and hospital bills wiped out my money.

I worked 2 jobs when I got better, went on a few dates. But I was broken. I had so much pain and self doubt. I think if I have a personality disorder this is when it started. The abuse from my ex had weakened my shoulder, making it prone to injury. I had dreams of entering a bodybuilder competition and achieving my ultimate ideal of perfection. The pain in my shoulder got worse from my job as a meat cutter. I was promoted to assistant manager but only because no one more qualified applied. I was told this. I also got no raise and found out I was being paid less than my fellow workers who had less experience. I still think it was because I am female. I was never trained on management stuff. I started hating my job and questioning again what is wrong with me? Why could I never do anything right? Why do people not like me? I think I just have too high standards. I think I can do this and I am not that awesome, so why can't you do this too?

I met my current bf while transitioning from that job and phys therapy to the good job I have now. From what I read today I think my bf has dependent personality disorder. He is attracted to me because I take charge. I'm bossy. I have strict morals and rules. He doesn't function well on his own. He acts like whoever he is around and depends on them to tell him what to do. Somebody like this can be frustrating and feel like the relationship is one sided. I always want him to be better and not do things wrong.

While reading about personality disorders I also read about a treatment technique called DBT. It focuses on meditation and making yourself focus. You have to accept the present situation. I am already familiar with this because of my spiritual beliefs. It's called grounding. I think I needed to be reminded of this. Maybe I can use this to become the confident, functional, ambitious person I was before my ex ruined my life.

I feel like I've lost something. I feel like a lost myself, my peace, and my dreams. Yesterday I had some sort of episode, I think it was a panic attack. It scared me really bad. I don't remember anything like that happening to me before. I was hyperventilating, nauseous, hot. I've been noticing lately that just little things that most people wouldn't notice set me off crying or in a fit of rage. Most people would describe me as kinda quiet and very easy going. I feel volatile tho. I have a lot of pent up fear and anger and hate that I have no idea how to express or come to terms with.

I feel like most people around me are bad and miserable. My ex didn't allow me to see or talk to friends and family. If I did he would accuse me of cheating. He also told me that because I was so stupid I didn't know what kind of people my friends and family really were. Even tho he didn't know my friends and he was a sociopath, I still find myself questioning and pulling away from those around me. I feel like they have too many secrets and are really miserable. Everyone I work with is married and has kids and they all seem so unhappy and unhealthy. I don't want that kind of life for me. I feel like I can't get any work done unless I am alone. It's hard to work on myself when I have 2 adults living with me who are super needy and don't like each other. I am always in the middle. I feel like I am tied down with 2 kids. I feel like I have had to give up my future and dreams, just like the miserable people at work with their kids. It makes me hate myself. I am so confused how I got here. I've never gotten to do anything fun or normal. I wish I could set some goals and reach them.

I need to stop before i start crying. If I have borderline personality disorder like I was reading about, then it basically said those people are doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over, constantly scrambling for new jobs, new relationships, because they don't know when they are at a good job or with a good person. I just feel unhappy and frustrated all the time. I can't afford the therapists around here. I can't even afford my phys therapy right now for my shoulder. So I am in this alone and figuring out how to treat myself, alone, as usual. 

This summer will be the first time in history that I will go on vacation. I was so excited to finally get to see what normal people do. I kept telling myself not to be scared of seeing the ocean. Not to feel bad about my body and that I can still have fun even if I don't look perfect and people aren't staring at me. My bf is usually pretty good about making me feel better about my body but idk. I'm not looking forward to vacation anymore. It's stressing me out because it isn't planned down to the finest detail. I don't like spontaneity because it usually backfires and end up sitting around doing nothing, being bored. My bf is stressing me out because I don't think we will have enough money to do much and then he goes and tells his stupid annoying brother. Now his brother wants to come. This is my first vacation ever, I don't want some stupid complaining heroine addict with hep c there sleeping all day and trying to boss us. Now I'm dreading what was supposed to be a relaxing carefree time. Now it is stressful and I feel guilty like an asshole. I don't want a family and I sure as hell don't want a family vacation with my bf's family. He told me when we started dating that he had very little contact with his family because they were all awful and crazy. I was like cool that way I don't have to meet them or worry about them. It's like now that he is in a stable relationship and has a good job and trying to better himself, his stupid family constantly tries to drag us down. If it's not a perfect family then I'd rather have no family. I can't stand dysfunction. Yesterday when I had the panic attack I thought what if I almost threw up because I'm pregnant? A ridiculous thought, but I seriously think that's what brought on the hyperventilating. All I could think of was going home and blowing my brains out. Having a child would destroy my world and my idea of perfection. I would have no more dreams of finding the perfect man or entering a bodybuilding competition. My body would be wrecked and along with it my worth. That's how I feel and why I think I have this obsessive perfection personality disorder. I wish I knew what to do and how to just be normal and happy. I don't have patience anymore or an easy going attitude that things will change. I feel like I made some very bad decisions and now I'm being punished because I'm a worthless failure. I need to try to center myself and get back to myself. Other people are such a burden.