Personal Journey

Now that I have learned how to navigate this site and have joined some support groups, I'll post a proper introduction.
I decided to start this journal because over the last 18 months, I have been on a hard core self discovery journey. I thought that this site would be an awesome way to help me track my progress as well as gain some insight from people who have similar experiences or more wisdom than I do. I have tried numerous things, listened to numerous things, and reached out in numerous ways. My motto: "Take what you want and leave the rest."
So, I'll start from the beginning.
Life was pretty much perfect up until I turned 13. At 13 years old I was raped and then jumped by 3 people associated with the man who raped me because my dad had called the police. This lead to a long road of juvenile delinquency, drug addictions, and alcohol addictions. I had my oldest child at 17 years old and as of now, she will not speak my name. I got married at 18 to a man who physically and emotionally abused me, for 5 years. We had 3 children together. When the abuse started on my children, I gained the strength and courage to leave. I took those 3 children and moved out of state. Eventually, I had another baby and then got into a relationship that was utter hell. The man I was in the relationship with was a biker club member. For a while, I thought I was in heaven. (Where I got that from, I have no idea, and still have no idea.) I found out later he had narcissistic personality disorder and still decided to stay with him. I fed his ego like nobody's business out of fear. If I was good, he was good, and all was good. Eventually, I started wearing down. I ended up giving the baby to my mom in fear of him being hurt by this man. Why I didn't just leave? I have no idea. Again, still don't. I ended up allowing this man to push me out of my job, get me thrown out of school, and live in the complete ghetto. At this point, I was spread so thin that I could barely function. And eventually I did leave.
The drinking and drugging had gotten a lot worse. I did everything in my power to make all of the pain disappear. I was a serial dater because I didn't think I could ever live my life happy, alone. I became a chameleon. I could literally make myself blend in with any person at any time. I despise large groups of people, so I would stick to myself or a very small group. And depending on which person I was with, my personality would change. I would like anything that they liked, just to keep them happy. I would do anything that they wanted, just to keep them happy. If they were happy, I was happy. My most famous responses are "It's up to you" and "I don't care." My current husband (bless his heart) tries so hard to help me through this. It got so bad that I literally didn't even know who I was anymore. If someone asked me what I like to do for fun, I would just look at them. I didn't even know. A lot of times I still don't.
I got sober when I earned myself an Extreme DUI and lost absolutely everything. Including what little bit of dignity I even had at that time. I barreled through a closed road due to an unrelated traffic accident and almost took out 2 cop cars and a cop himself. Only thing I can remember? The cop in the road, with the flashlight. That man haunts me. Luckily, nobody was hurt. I do tell people "it was not me driving that truck. I was in the driver's seat, but I was not driving." I had a BAC of .194 and that was taken 3 hours after the initial incident.
I detoxed in jail and when I got out, everything was gone except my job. I lost my house, friends, everything. I have caused permanent heart problems and had to have a cardiac ablation with a transseptal puncture about 6 months after I stopped everything. I was in the doctor's office 2 times per week for 6 months getting injections of vitamin B6, B12, and B1. I was a shot away of drinking myself wet and had numerous other vitamins and minerals almost depleted.
That was when my journey started. I have since married a truly amazing man, that supports and helps me as much as he possibly can. He encourages me to do things that I like doing and to not depend so much on him. I still struggle with the "It's up to you" and "I don't care" responses, but he does do his best to get me to change that line of thinking.
Today, I own a tax and accounting services business. I still have custody of my middle 3 children. My oldest still does not speak to me. And I am working on rebuilding a relationship with the youngest. I try new things so I can actually have some real hobbies. Hobbies that are truly mine and not really yours with me blending to them. I research a lot of different things. I do this so that I can form my own opinions. Again, my own true opinions that are solely mine. I research things to try and gain a different outlook on life. I am still a pretty closed off person and that I am perfectly fine with. I am rebuilding to be the best that I can be. 
So, here's to my journey. And the progress that I make. Even if it's just a crawl, I will still move forward.

Replies

Richeart
Richeart

Every little bit of progress helps. Keep journaling. and keep getting well.
jeffneedshelp
jeffneedshelp

Very open. Glad you found sobriety. I hope you mend with the oldest child in time.