Perhaps the time draws near

it is 5:59am,and I feel drained and angry,frustration snaps at my soul with the tenacity and determination of a pack of angry hounds chasing a desperate and exhausted fox.I am tired beyond belief,yet my mind races uncontrollably from one thought to another with such speed,that I am unable to comprehend the difference between them.I am uncertain of anything in my life anymore;I seem to cause discord and pain to those I should be drawing closer to,but instead,I push them further from me.I am confused and bereft of logic;I know what I desire to happen,I know what my family wishes to happen;and yet I keep erecting new barriers,walls so insurmountable,that I grow exhausted with the effort,but yet I continue to build.I feel old beyond my years,my body like some ancient papyrus scroll that crumbles to dust before anyone has an opportunity to translate the complicated hieroglyphics contained within.And so,to the title of my latest ramblings;perhaps the time draws near.If one has a limb which is no longer productive,or cannot serve the purpose for which it was intended,then sometimes it is better to amputate said appendage.A kindly surgeon could take steps to enhance the quality of life of the remaining limbs,so that they grow stronger and more useful with the passing of time.Why then,does the surgeon who constructed me,refuse to do likewise?;If I were an animal,my senses dulled by pain and lack of hope,it would be seen as merciful to be put out of my misery;elephants know when they are ready to die and they make their way to the elephant's graveyard,unafraid and accepting.Why then,shouldn't this old elephant be given the same choice?;I have very little desire to continue to inhabit my space in this world,and virtually no fight left,so yes,perhaps the time draws near.I grow weary with the effort of trawling through endless days filled with hopelessness,self hatred and anger;I was a man who was not easily roused to anger,having tried to live by calmness.Buddha said,"Anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intention of throwing it at someone;I am the one who gets burned";I find it desperately sad,that that man is a stranger to me now.I have an appointment with my doctor later this morning,and,as always,we will go through the motions of polite chit chat,he will ask me how I am feeling,I will lie,he will then give me another month off work,and I will thank him and leave,armed with another twenty eight days of anti-depressants to put in a drawer alongside my other pills,potions and inhalers.Was it Socrates who said,"I think,therefore I am"?,well Socrates my learned philosopher,if time travel were an option,I'd gladly stand before you right now;and belt you squarely in the kisser!;I actually smiled as I typed that,I really need to get out more!.
                                     Well journal,it is time,once again,to take my leave,and trek into the new day.Journey with me on my travels and we will seek new battles to fight,and ever more demons to destroy.You are my faithful squire,and I am a modern day Don Quixote in search of new dragons to slay.If the Good Lord chooses,he will strengthen my sword arm and we will return to this place tomorrow;if not,then perhaps the time is indeed upon us.