People!!
So what is up with people? They ask you how you are doing then they tell you that you should "be happy he is in Heaven" or "be grateful you had him 37 years" and "you are not making much progress". Its only been 10 weeks today!! My son is WORTHY of mine & my grandchildren's grief & it is appropriate. The best one is that someone told me last week when they returned from a vacation in Cancun that we are the only culture that grieves their losses. That in Mexico they decorate the coffins with bright colors. I said, "well you know what its still a coffin!" I have know many folks from many cultures & they all grieve & go throught the 5 stages of grief. I studied bereavement in college & while different cultures have different traditions it is fairly consistent throughout the world that humans grieve in pretty much the same way. I do try & take comments such as, "It was God's will" in the spirit in which it was given, but some of these comments hurt & make it that much harder for me. My friend lost her 58 y.o. husband suddenly 3 weeks ago & even she said she was sorry for my loss ( and I for hers) & she said that she feels losing a child is worse since it is not the natural order of things. She said people say bizarre things to her too. I remember when people I knew lost a loved one. I did a lot of listening, rather than speaking. I wouldn't wish this type of pain on anyone. I feel so alone & empty since only people who are experiencing this understand. Thank God for the support of this website.
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I don\'t think people know WHAT to say..so they cliches or things they THINK would be comforting. They are clueless. I remember people thinking that I would be comforted by sayin that I should be happy Alex was our Lord in heaven...no, no...the only place I would be happy with Alex being was with ME! Ignore them...they do not understand and they would have to lose a child to understand...and we really don\'t want anyone to go through this often journey. It would be wonderful if people were good listeners like you are...maybe you have one or two people that ARE good listeners...let the others be just friends that will never understand...love to you...Karen
I have found that when people ask me how I\'m doing I tell them that I\'m hanging in there. They respond better to that because it\'s the truth. They don\'t believe me if I say I\'m fine and they don\'t always want to hear my problems but they understand that I\'m trying to cope. I am lucky enough to have two very old friends that I can call and talk to anytime and they listen but they still can\'t really understand we are going through. Just keep hanging in there!!! Pat
I too think that people just don\'t know what to say. And I guess if they have never experienced this kind of loss.........they really wouldn\'t know. But like you, I hope I have always been there to \"listen\" when someone I know is grieving. I wish I could write a book on \"What Not to Say to someone who is grieving the loss of their child\". I even think some stay away as if this is contagious. Just try to remember that most don\'t mean harm by what they say..they just don\'t know. Wishing you some peace today....Love, Kim
It\'s a hard thing to understand why anyone would say those kinds of things to people in pain. Our pain is so profound it seems it ought to be visible to anyone who sees us. Sadly, most of us do a pretty good job w/ the mask that hides the worst of our pain. I\'ve heard most of those comments myself and like you tried to take them in the spirit in which I hoped they were offered. But it\'s hard to take sometimes. The hardest for me to take were the comments from my mother. And then of course there is the fact that so many of our \"friends\" that never say Weston\'s name. That\'s pretty hard to take too. Just know there is at least one place where you are understood and cared for. DS is such a wonderful place of comfort. Sending you love and hugs, Cyn
In some cultures, women wear black everyday and mourn the rest of their lives. I don\'t think people mean to be insensitve or say things inappropriately on purpose. They do not understand, nor do we want them to experience a loss such as ours so some how we try to educate them if they are open to our grief. I\'ve been very blessed and have never really had those types of remarks. Ten weeks is still so very new and fresh for your grief. Be patient with yourself and others. Love to you. Robin
Your journal takes me back to the begining of my journey. It used to bother me the crap that would come out of peoples mouths. I finally came to the conclusion people that have not had this experience are totally clueless. I think of it as the kid in front of a classroom being unprepared for their report and they start rambling and the more they ramble the more nervous they get cause they have not a clue what to say next...Instead of being mad I now take pity on those people.
The one thing you can do different is keep your answer short when asked how are you doing? I usually say \"ok\" or\" hanging in there\" and then come to DS and say what you really feel. Hugs, Inga