Pensive
I think this is going to be a rambling entry so if you want to ignore it I won't be hurt.
Merrilee's journal made me think. This journey is such a series of ups and downs and twists and turns. After almost 5 years (I can't believe it), I am able to enjoy life but always with the cloud of sadness and longing.
I remember conversations had with Lisa about our elder care. She had it figured out. We would move to Ottawa to a seniors residence, and she would see to it that our every need was met. She was one determined girl so I didn't doubt her. Well when she died, the bottom fell out. I have not really planned anything. It is Joe's 70th birthday today and I have to give my head a shake. We ARE senior citizens now, even though we don't feel like it! We really should be doing something.
When Lisa died, I lost my best friend and confidante. I know that Andrew will see to it that we do not want for anything but it just is not the same.
Perhaps another reason I am feeling so uneasy today is that I had dinner with my colleagues from work, some who were there when Lisa died. The palliative care nurse on our unit kept tabs on me. She lost her husband 2 years ago to cancer. Her first husband died in an accident. She said "I have buried 2 husbands so have retired. I don't have the heart for seeing more death". We hugged, a lot! It was wonderful but it brought it all back and I had a knot in my stomach.
So my mind is racing as I sit here wiping tears.
I get a pile of uplifting statements on Facebook - 'don't worry be happy'. Well today they just tick me off. I am not feeling happy. I just want Lisa back.
Tonight, we are going for dinner with our friends to toast Joe. We partied on my birthday for both of us. I am sure I will be dry eyed by then!
Lisa: I miss you so much. I know you are with me but I wish I could hear your voice telling me to smarten up. I miss you always and love you forever, Mummy
Merrilee's journal made me think. This journey is such a series of ups and downs and twists and turns. After almost 5 years (I can't believe it), I am able to enjoy life but always with the cloud of sadness and longing.
I remember conversations had with Lisa about our elder care. She had it figured out. We would move to Ottawa to a seniors residence, and she would see to it that our every need was met. She was one determined girl so I didn't doubt her. Well when she died, the bottom fell out. I have not really planned anything. It is Joe's 70th birthday today and I have to give my head a shake. We ARE senior citizens now, even though we don't feel like it! We really should be doing something.
When Lisa died, I lost my best friend and confidante. I know that Andrew will see to it that we do not want for anything but it just is not the same.
Perhaps another reason I am feeling so uneasy today is that I had dinner with my colleagues from work, some who were there when Lisa died. The palliative care nurse on our unit kept tabs on me. She lost her husband 2 years ago to cancer. Her first husband died in an accident. She said "I have buried 2 husbands so have retired. I don't have the heart for seeing more death". We hugged, a lot! It was wonderful but it brought it all back and I had a knot in my stomach.
So my mind is racing as I sit here wiping tears.
I get a pile of uplifting statements on Facebook - 'don't worry be happy'. Well today they just tick me off. I am not feeling happy. I just want Lisa back.
Tonight, we are going for dinner with our friends to toast Joe. We partied on my birthday for both of us. I am sure I will be dry eyed by then!
Lisa: I miss you so much. I know you are with me but I wish I could hear your voice telling me to smarten up. I miss you always and love you forever, Mummy
Replies
My dear friend, I understand your mixed emotions. The way I see it, we will never again be without the sadness and pain inside us, because our love for our beautiful children will forever stay alive. And nothing can change that. Take a deep breath, and enjoy your dinner!
Dear Marlene, the ups and downs are so sporadic but at least we have learned to go right ahead and have them, knowing that we will transcend them and \"see the light\" again. In the beginning, we thought we could never smile again, never feel any joy again. But we did. So you go right ahead and be ticked off! Tell Joe that I said Happy Birthday. I love you, dear friend!
I feel the same way all the time. If only i could hold on to you Ami one more time. I love you so much. I just came back from a walk with an old fried who has 3 happy healthy children and has so much passion for living life and enjoying them. My heart aches... happy birthday to Joe..Rose
You are allowed these days...each of us are...it is a heavy load to carry and some days we need to actually feel the burden. Another day will come when it will not be sooo bad...this is how it is, isn\'t it? Love to you...
Those pensive days are ours and I notice too that with the changing of seasons sometimes comes these intense feelings as well. Almost as if we have gone through another span of significant time without our children... Deepest of sighs...
Hoping Joe is feeling celebrated and the mystery of life looms large doesn\'t it? All we have is today and to feel what you are as authentically as you are is the only way. It is exhausting too so always grateful for the times when the load is not as heavy. Ups, downs and automatic pilot times become one\'s new normal.
Thank goodness we have this safe haven to share it ALL.
Loving care dearest Marlene,
XO Joanie
Dear Soth: so sure this sadness will pass, too. All our plans have been scotched without our wonderful kids. I expected jake would be a great friend in my old years. He could always make me laugh. Tell Joe, a healthy and happy year ahead. My Isaac will be 80 at his next b\'day. How did we get to be married to such old men?
So true Karen...we will always have our good and our bad days and that\'s ok...xoxoxo
Hoping you can have a good birthday celebration for Joe, knowing the love of your Lisa is with you always. Hugs. Kathy
Sorry, you are feeling low today. I have been thinking, since reading Merrilee\'s journal too. I have absolutely no plans for my \"old age\". Dean lived close to me and even though he was ill, for the last years of his life, I could count on him to run errands and check on me, if needed. He called me everry day and oh...how I miss those calls.
Tell your hubby Happy Birthday and I hope you two have a wonderful evening, celebrating. BTY...Billy turned 72 in July and I turned 68 this month. Time marches on, my friend :)
((((HUGS))))....Julia
Right there with you, missing Matthew as you miss your LISA! Xxoo
How did we age so fast.... but gracefully LOL
I am twisting and turning with you. We should invent a new dance. Tell Joe I wish him a happy belated birthday.
When the weather gets gloomy this winter come on down to FL feel the son on your face again we will drink wine and tell stories.
Love Penny
I feel the same way. Missing Our Jeff. My husband turned 71 this year and I am 68. How and why did I outlive my Jeff. Love and Hugs to my My Friend, Nell
As you miss your Lisa, I wrap my arms around you tightly. We understand.....we care & love you Marlene. Hugs......Vicki