Past and Present

Monday, June 9, 2008 -- 9:40 AM Strangeness has come over me this morning. I am feeling neither good nor bad. I feel as though I am awake and know what is going on around me, but I am just going through the motions of living.   My mood is down again. During the weekend, past memories have been surging up into my mind. I have tried not to think about them, but that is impossible. Some of them fill me with terror, while others give me a sense of self-loathing and hate. This is one of those times when I am not happy to be alive.    A nurse from my home health care agency came to see me this morning. While she was here, she asked if I was still having pain and I replied yes. She then went on to label it as "chronic pain." I disagreed and told her so. I never had this amount of pain in my legs and back prior to one of their employees injuring me in December. If the people who run that agency think they are going to get away with "conveniently" forgetting that one of their employees ignored my doctor's orders, and caused me to have a small fracture in my left foot, and then think they can just forget about it, they have another thought coming. They can try to play the old "pass the buck" game, but as far as I'm concerned, the buck stops with them!     This afternoon, I am going to see my physical therapist. She will continue working on my legs to try and alleviate the pain in them. I believe she will also talk with me about possible plans to do some type of therapy on my back. That will take another order from my doctor, but I am seeing him tomorrow. I have several things I want to discuss with him, including why the people in his office have failed to call my pharmacy and approve a refill of some medication that I asked for over a week ago.    Quotes for Success:   “To respond is positive, to react is negative.” Zig Ziglar

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

Chronic may just be tech for the pain is all the time since you sustained the injury. Like my fatigue is chronic. You should still pursue them not getting away with it.

I feel strange today too - too much heat I think.

Weeble Hugs and Mojo
deleted_user
deleted_user

I love love love today\'s quote, Jim. I\'ve been thinking about that very topic for the last few days.

I knew you\'d have a bad day today after the post you made last night. Its\' so hard to revisit those experiences. In the past, has that subsided and you\'ve felt better? Is the physical pain worse today?

You definitely have to talk to a lawyer still about that. Not today, but soon.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Weeble, later in the week I plan on seeing someone who may be able to give me the name of a lawyer who works with people with disabilities. I have tried to be forgiving, but after half a year of pain, and worry, I just don\'t think I can do that. I don\'t want to get revenge, but at the same time I do not want them to get away with it. I don\'t know if that makes any sense to you, but at least it does to me.

Sam, I did have a bad day yesterday. I had mixed emotions about making that post on a PTSD board. I think that those experiences revisited me, rather than me revisiting them. I made that entry shortly before going to bed, and I was definitely in a very bad mood. (I think I am going to continue this and start a new thread by calling it Part Two.) I do not feel better about what happened, but it leaves I am putting it down in writing. I usually feel better for a few days, but then the anger return.

The physical pain I\'ve been having decreased last night. It was not too bad this morning until about 10 o\'clock, at which time I took some more pain medication.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Read it again:

You should still pursue them not getting away with it.

I meant, go after them? Yes you should.

I\'m not having a good day..... sorry for the confusion.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Yes - you are right. The experiences revisit us. Sorry for that. I\'ve had to repeat a mantra to myself about that. The past lives inside of us, we don\'t live in the past.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Have you had your legs and back either x-rayed recently?

I hope you do go and talk to a lawyer and see if you ahve a case. What happened was unaccepable.

I hope you have a better day, today, Jim. *hug*
deleted_user
deleted_user

My legs, left hip, and left clavicle were all x-rayed in December and January. Today my doctor diagnosed me as having severe scoliosis and increasing back pain. He prescribed additional physical therapy for all that.

I have started to become both physically and mentally exhausted. There is too much pain, too many frustrations, too many problems and memories (both past and present), too much loneliness, and just too much of everything in life to deal with all at one time. I have arranged my schedule so that I don\'t have anything that needs to be done for the next six days. I am hoping to get some rest during that time.

If I do anything, it will be because I want to rather than need to. Maybe that will give me some breathing room, at least for the time being.