Passing The (Problem) Torch

They say you need to surrender and turn things over to God.... Many times I have tried that but feel a slight tug of reluctance to completely surrender. There are big things that I hoped for but was not in HIS plans for me.  If I do truly examine the path that has led me to where I am now, I do see how HIS plan has led me in a different direction and I am now all the wiser as I too can comprehend others feelings, reactions....

So very many things are piling up....the uncertainty of when I can retire or what I am able to dip into to live comfortably until then... I  am doing physical therapy for some things, while flaring up others, still working full time but coming home aching and depressed that I do barely anything. Morale at work is bad so none of us want to be there. This makes it that much harder to get through the days. LUcky for me there is always too much for me to do. 

I came home yesterday  to learn my pipes must have frozen and noone can come before Monday. Spent this morning completely breaking down  sobbing in tears but opening my heart and speaking my thoughts to God. And yes, this included my shame of holding on because I was afraid there could be more disappointment in store for me. 

I am getting my thoughts together and have some calls to make to see if I can try to collect disability. If I qualify then I would have more options... to get from his SSDisability, or start to dip into my 401k or ESOP.  It is not that I don't want to work. Would be content working part time, but for now I think I need to take time to focus on making myself stronger and possinly in better health (rather than deteriorate more.) My quality of life is sucking right now and yesterday I did dip back into that awful empty hopelessness again for a minute. 

To me there is nothing worse than being blessed with more time here but wanting to toss it down the drain. So I am feeling a bit lighter, trying to open up and hear direction of where to turn next. I think of others who have been through much and have had courage to make big changes....I've been talking and planning forever, but there have always been wrenches thrown at me. Time to get passed them and  have that taste of life back again.