Partay, or not
I say this is a frustrating post, but it isn't entirely, not really. I went to a 4th of July party at a friends house from college, and I had a great time with all my friends.
My triumph of the night was when one of the gay guys there; the over the top, kind of bitchy kind; started mocking me saying things like "you are so in denial" in regards to me being in the closet. I was able to proudly and confidently stare him in the face and say "I am not denying anything, I have known who I am for quite some time now and am dam happy with it". Needless to say I cut him off at the bully knees, and he quickly recollected himself and tried to be all gay buddy-buddy (issues much?). So essentially I let a large group of people in my life know all at once that I am gay, proud of it, and possibly most shameful to them, that I know what they had said behind my back (as they assume I am oblivious as to how I carry myself). Probably didn't need to put in my digs, but idle gossip irks me to no end, and this one guy irks me a LOT.
Okay, party was fun and I knocked a bully over the head with my closet door; victories both. The frustrating came when everyone was breaking out the booze. I operate under unusual self-discipline. For my entire life, I have identified factors that could reveal my secret to my family before I was ready. Number one on that list was any substance that could make me lose my inhibitions. Since I abhor cigarettes and narcotics, that leaves alcohol. I have never so much as had a sip and I am nearly 22. A part of me wants to come out so I can try a beer (that's a bit twisted). A personal dream of mine is to have my first beer with my dad. Long story short, the pong and flip cup broke out, I hung back and joked for a while but was soon left behind in the fun. It was a little sad, so I said my thank yous and made my exit. Overall, it was a fun party and I had a great time, I just am a bit hung up on my darn moral code.
I've put some thought into it, and I think I might be able to move "the talk" up with the parents. I don't have a full time job (and therefore a safety net) but my paychecks are coming in soon for the TV network I freelance design for, so I could potentially hold up for a short while if need be. What I ultimately realized from this whole experience though, which leaves me feeling happy (hence me not being sure 'frustrating' a terribly appropriate mark for his post), is that I should have more faith in my family. We love each other. I know I love them, faults and all. Although I do not consider being gay a fault, they might, but I should put my trust in them that their concern for me, love of me and pride in me will trump that.
What did I learn today? My family loves me.
My triumph of the night was when one of the gay guys there; the over the top, kind of bitchy kind; started mocking me saying things like "you are so in denial" in regards to me being in the closet. I was able to proudly and confidently stare him in the face and say "I am not denying anything, I have known who I am for quite some time now and am dam happy with it". Needless to say I cut him off at the bully knees, and he quickly recollected himself and tried to be all gay buddy-buddy (issues much?). So essentially I let a large group of people in my life know all at once that I am gay, proud of it, and possibly most shameful to them, that I know what they had said behind my back (as they assume I am oblivious as to how I carry myself). Probably didn't need to put in my digs, but idle gossip irks me to no end, and this one guy irks me a LOT.
Okay, party was fun and I knocked a bully over the head with my closet door; victories both. The frustrating came when everyone was breaking out the booze. I operate under unusual self-discipline. For my entire life, I have identified factors that could reveal my secret to my family before I was ready. Number one on that list was any substance that could make me lose my inhibitions. Since I abhor cigarettes and narcotics, that leaves alcohol. I have never so much as had a sip and I am nearly 22. A part of me wants to come out so I can try a beer (that's a bit twisted). A personal dream of mine is to have my first beer with my dad. Long story short, the pong and flip cup broke out, I hung back and joked for a while but was soon left behind in the fun. It was a little sad, so I said my thank yous and made my exit. Overall, it was a fun party and I had a great time, I just am a bit hung up on my darn moral code.
I've put some thought into it, and I think I might be able to move "the talk" up with the parents. I don't have a full time job (and therefore a safety net) but my paychecks are coming in soon for the TV network I freelance design for, so I could potentially hold up for a short while if need be. What I ultimately realized from this whole experience though, which leaves me feeling happy (hence me not being sure 'frustrating' a terribly appropriate mark for his post), is that I should have more faith in my family. We love each other. I know I love them, faults and all. Although I do not consider being gay a fault, they might, but I should put my trust in them that their concern for me, love of me and pride in me will trump that.
What did I learn today? My family loves me.
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