Parenting......
"Parenting a child within a destructive relationship tend to mean making compromises that go beyond what you are comfortable with, and that may not fit what you truly believe is best for your children. Your choices often become about navigating a path to safety because of your concern about your partner's behavior. For example, you might give your child a consequence for a behavior that you actually find acceptable in order to save him or her from the haranguing, unpredictability, or even violence that comes from your partner when he is upset at one of the children."
Exercise: Parenting from your center
1. What is your main goal as a parent?
I want my children to be happy, well-adjusted, strong, positive, and have high self esteem. I want them to be prepared to go out into the world as adults secure in the knowledge that they can accomplish everything they put their minds to and that they always have a safe place to call home.
2. Imagine your child or children. What is it that you adore about them? What are their unique gifts and qualities?
Jordan--He is one of the most caring young men I have ever met. He loves unconditionally and is very protective of his family. He is outspoken and fair minded. He's got a terrific sense of humor and is fun to be around. Children love him. He has this determination that is infectious. He is resilient and friendly. He is a terrific artist and has an incredible talent for drawing and creating songs that express his inner turmoil.
Alexis--She is so sweet and even tempered. She tries so hard to make my life easier (for which I feel intense guilt). She works very hard, has incredible courage and patience, and is finally beginning to accept and believe in herself (that has been a long road, but oh so worth the wait...I am so proud of her strength and her character!!!)
Alyssa--She is opinionated and very strong willed. She has a very definite sense of purpose and of fairness. When she is in a loving mood, she can be the most loving child you have ever seen. She can be brutally honest, but her honesty is sometimes so refreshing and just the thing I need to hear to kick me into gear. She is very creative and fun loving as well.
3. Imagine yourself as the most effective, loving parent, parenting them from your highest possible self. Picture yourself parenting coming from your deepest values, without interference from a destructive relationship.
I would encourage my children and nurture their unique gifts. Alyssa wanted to be a gymnast, Jordan to play football, and Alexis to take photography (there was never enough money or it took too much time from his needs, or I was spoiling the children). I would nurture their interests and let them be kids!! No silence when he is home, family time together would be stress free and they would talk openly to both parents. They wouldn't feel they couldn't ask me for something because I was stressed or wouldn't have the money. Discipline would have been uniform, instead of me trying to hide from him any mistakes they had made, so they would have learned from their mistakes as children are meant to do.
4. In what ways do you believe it is important to support your child? What do those ways look like?
Encouragement to try new things, support during the difficult times and if they fail, but encouraging them to get up and keep trying new things. Unconditional love, no screaming or demeaning words or actions.
5. What are your child's greatest challenges?
Understanding that there is nothing wrong with them; there father is the one with the problem. Understanding that it is okay to be angry with me and to voice that anger appropriately. Feeling confident enough with themselves to stand up for their beliefs and needs. Knowing what a healthy relationship looks like.
6. What are the ways you need to walk with your child through those challenges?
Remaining positive even when they are attacking me on my actions in the past. Being the parent and making difficult choices when I need to for them. Being supportive, always being nonjudgmental ear and a strong sounding board for them. Being candid about the issues in the house (without giving too much information), but letting them know that their father's behavior is not acceptable and is in no way a reflection on their value, or even on mine.
7. How do you believe in holding your child accountable for negative choices?
Discussing with them rationally (when able) and having firm consequences, such as loss of a privilege.
8. How do you believe in celebrating your child's many positive choices?
Special dinners, cards and small tokens, positive words and actual celebrations! (I am big into the celebrating thing!)
9. What are the ways in which you believe it is important to share time with your child?
I think it is important to spend time every day talking to my children about what is going through their minds and what is going on in their lives. I also think it is important to destress as a family, spending quality time away from the home on walks, at the beach, on vacation, etc. just for different scenery and perspective.
10. How far from the way you want to parent are you parenting now?
On totally different planets at this point.
11. Are there ways that your partner's parenting or behaviors interfere with the parenting values you have? If so what are they?
He is always complaining about the kids, how I have ruined them and so on. He doesn't like me to coddle them, which includes telling them I love them, trying to talk to them, helping them with things, laughing with them, etc. They can never do anything right and neither can I.
12. What first steps can you take to move closer to those parenting values?
Talking to the kids candidly about their worth and value.
Exercise: Parenting from your center
1. What is your main goal as a parent?
I want my children to be happy, well-adjusted, strong, positive, and have high self esteem. I want them to be prepared to go out into the world as adults secure in the knowledge that they can accomplish everything they put their minds to and that they always have a safe place to call home.
2. Imagine your child or children. What is it that you adore about them? What are their unique gifts and qualities?
Jordan--He is one of the most caring young men I have ever met. He loves unconditionally and is very protective of his family. He is outspoken and fair minded. He's got a terrific sense of humor and is fun to be around. Children love him. He has this determination that is infectious. He is resilient and friendly. He is a terrific artist and has an incredible talent for drawing and creating songs that express his inner turmoil.
Alexis--She is so sweet and even tempered. She tries so hard to make my life easier (for which I feel intense guilt). She works very hard, has incredible courage and patience, and is finally beginning to accept and believe in herself (that has been a long road, but oh so worth the wait...I am so proud of her strength and her character!!!)
Alyssa--She is opinionated and very strong willed. She has a very definite sense of purpose and of fairness. When she is in a loving mood, she can be the most loving child you have ever seen. She can be brutally honest, but her honesty is sometimes so refreshing and just the thing I need to hear to kick me into gear. She is very creative and fun loving as well.
3. Imagine yourself as the most effective, loving parent, parenting them from your highest possible self. Picture yourself parenting coming from your deepest values, without interference from a destructive relationship.
I would encourage my children and nurture their unique gifts. Alyssa wanted to be a gymnast, Jordan to play football, and Alexis to take photography (there was never enough money or it took too much time from his needs, or I was spoiling the children). I would nurture their interests and let them be kids!! No silence when he is home, family time together would be stress free and they would talk openly to both parents. They wouldn't feel they couldn't ask me for something because I was stressed or wouldn't have the money. Discipline would have been uniform, instead of me trying to hide from him any mistakes they had made, so they would have learned from their mistakes as children are meant to do.
4. In what ways do you believe it is important to support your child? What do those ways look like?
Encouragement to try new things, support during the difficult times and if they fail, but encouraging them to get up and keep trying new things. Unconditional love, no screaming or demeaning words or actions.
5. What are your child's greatest challenges?
Understanding that there is nothing wrong with them; there father is the one with the problem. Understanding that it is okay to be angry with me and to voice that anger appropriately. Feeling confident enough with themselves to stand up for their beliefs and needs. Knowing what a healthy relationship looks like.
6. What are the ways you need to walk with your child through those challenges?
Remaining positive even when they are attacking me on my actions in the past. Being the parent and making difficult choices when I need to for them. Being supportive, always being nonjudgmental ear and a strong sounding board for them. Being candid about the issues in the house (without giving too much information), but letting them know that their father's behavior is not acceptable and is in no way a reflection on their value, or even on mine.
7. How do you believe in holding your child accountable for negative choices?
Discussing with them rationally (when able) and having firm consequences, such as loss of a privilege.
8. How do you believe in celebrating your child's many positive choices?
Special dinners, cards and small tokens, positive words and actual celebrations! (I am big into the celebrating thing!)
9. What are the ways in which you believe it is important to share time with your child?
I think it is important to spend time every day talking to my children about what is going through their minds and what is going on in their lives. I also think it is important to destress as a family, spending quality time away from the home on walks, at the beach, on vacation, etc. just for different scenery and perspective.
10. How far from the way you want to parent are you parenting now?
On totally different planets at this point.
11. Are there ways that your partner's parenting or behaviors interfere with the parenting values you have? If so what are they?
He is always complaining about the kids, how I have ruined them and so on. He doesn't like me to coddle them, which includes telling them I love them, trying to talk to them, helping them with things, laughing with them, etc. They can never do anything right and neither can I.
12. What first steps can you take to move closer to those parenting values?
Talking to the kids candidly about their worth and value.
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