Paranoia

Well, you all know how excited I was that my DH said we could TTC.  Then I was reading some entries on here about MTHFR and started freaking out.  I have really high homocysteine and already test for other clotting disorders...but they didn't specifically test for MTHFR mutations.  I am so stinking scared about losing another baby that I am completely panicked.  If I happen to have that mutation, which many women do, coupled with my high homocysteine, it means I have to do OTHER things to prevent miscarriage and Downs syndrome and other birth defects. 
So, as I approach my ovulation this Sunday, I have NO TIME to get that test done!!  I went from happy to crushed because I can't take that chance.  I can't stop crying now.  No more TTC for now.  I need to know.  I cannot live through another loss.  I have to do everything I can. 
Feeling so alone right now.  My DH is back to feeling used, because I am so sad...he thinks I must only want him for making babies, which is NOT TRUE.  It added passion to our life that we were united in the cause...even though we were not in a fertile time.  I guess that is not registering.  Oh well.
I guess I'm back to a bucket of tears for another month.  I hate this.

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

I am so sorry you are distraught. Going through a miscarriage is a heartbreaking experience. I am 40 and my husband and I have now lost two babies, both at ten weeks. We have no living children and have been trying to conceive for three years. It is challenging and we have tough days. But, 98% of the time, I am doing great and the reason why is because of hope and trust in God.

I have hope and trust that whatever God wants for us in our lives will happen. My husband has this same hope and trust. We have not allowed our lives to be defined by our infertility and miscarriages. We have gone on to live, and live happily. Maybe we will become parents, maybe we won\'t . As much as we have a huge desire to be a mom and dad, our circumstances do not stop us from living life to its fullest.

My husband and I have each made a conscious choice to see the cup as half full rather than half empty. And we are cherishing every moment, both the good and the bad. I will be praying for you that you can find peace and joy in your heart. God has a plan for you. We do not know what His plan is but we can realize that He is walking with us each step of the way. There will be tough days, but with Him at our side, we can always find joy in the journey, whether we are on high mountain peaks or in deep valleys. God is everywhere and He is with us. There is no greater joy than this. Big hugs to you!
Sunnysmom31710
Sunnysmom31710

Aww, I\'m sorry, but you\'re right. It would be better to wait now and get everything tested than to just jump into a possible miscarriage again. I kinda felt that way when I was waiting to try. First, I wanted to wait the 2 periods to make sure my body had the best chance and then I had to be tested for a possible vitamin deficiency, but I knew if I tried anyway and had another miscarriage I\'d blame myself. But waiting can be so hard when you long for a baby everyday.
My hubby felt used too when we were ttc, even though he wanted a baby as much as I did. Men have very delicate egos. I told him just because we were ttc, doesn\'t mean I don\'t enjoy having sex with him. And I made sure to initiate when I wasn\'t ovulating as well (which is how I got pregnant this time because I ovulated really early and wasn\'t aware of it!) I am praying for you and your hubby, for patience and understanding.
Tryingtomakesense
Tryingtomakesense

Catlover, I see many blessings through this midst of our struggles, but I definitely am not in a \"happy\" place at all. I feel God carrying me through this...I see His abundant blessings, but my aching heart is an empty place. I have a sense that we are done having children and while I realize we are richly blessed to have the children we do have, I just can\'t end on this note. Yet, if it is God\'s will, I will have to accept it. I don\'t know how though. I find this unbearable. I realize God knows the agony of losing a child better than we all do, but it doesn\'t bring me any joy. The fact that we were TTC brought me joy and hope...it meant that we could wait upon the Lord. I was so excited. This new roadblock, coupled with my OBGYN\'s dire warnings to not delay conception, is just hitting me so very hard. :-(
deleted_user
deleted_user

I\'m so sorry you are having such a rough time today. Emotions can run so high some days. Keep pouring your aches out to God, He hears you even if you don\'t always sense him. I know your faith in God is very strong. You are allowed to feel how you feel. My advice is listen for God\'s plans for you and go with what you have the most peace about.

I don\'t always take my own advice or I try and still don\'t hear f/Him regarding what I am supposed to do, but making decisions about what I have a peace about usually is a step in the right direction for me.
deleted_user
deleted_user

I am so sorry you are in such a tough place! I think the best thing is to just allow yourself to feel however you feel. It is so hard to lose a child. Sometimes, we just have to feel badly and that is simply a part of the process. I probably did not say it well above but what I was meaning to say is that I really do believe is that you WILL get through this hard time!!! I just know it! However, for the moment, you may just have to walk through it. But, if you keep moving forward, one day you will look back and realize how far you have come. Keep hanging in there and know you are in my prayers. BIG hugs to you.
Tryingtomakesense
Tryingtomakesense

Thank you guys! You help me keep my head on straight!! I totally heard your heart in both of your replies, Catlover! They were sweet and uplifting. I hope I didn\'t sound rude or anything! I\'m been spewing emotions and hope they aren\'t coming through in a way I don\'t intend. I love you guys so much!

It is really just stupid that I was clinging so desperately to the fact that my DH wanted to TTC. I look for ludicrous things as signs of hope...or to lift my spirits. I just wish the \"new me\" wasn\'t quite so pathetic.
deleted_user
deleted_user

I am so sorry you will not be ttc yet I know the pain of having an aching heart and feeling empty. I was not in a position to try again right away after my losses and I was so sad inside. I did end up not long after conceiving but it was not planned. My heart is with u. You are in my prayers
deleted_user
deleted_user

I am so sorry. Don\'t cry...I think I\'ve cried enough for everyone on here. Lately my life seems to be full of disappointments. Stay strong and hang in there. I\'ll keep you in my prayers.