Painful Reality

Going home to an empty house is the most painful situation for anyone.  Looking at the place where he sat and hoping to see him at least for one last time.  Hoping for a smile or just a hello is all that would make our day but we then come back crashing to reality knowing that it will never happen.  I have questioned myself so may times what could I have done to deserve this punishment because that is what I feel it is.  Who does death benefit?  I have asked God to give me a reason why he had to die and why are other people who are evil still here on earth.  I miss him so much that I just am not logical anymore.  I go to bed thinking about him and wake up think about him.  Will this ever go away?  I wonder what it is like for him to be away from me?  Is he as sad as I am?  Does he see me crying?  Where do I get the strenght to continue when he was my strenght.  Our wedding anniversary is coming up on August 30 and I am already dreading that day.  I just want to disappear and cry.  I think that I will spend most of the day at the gravesite with him.  I kiss his photo every day before I leave the house and at night before I go to bed.  I say goodbye to him when I am leaving the house.  People say that he is always near me but I don't feel him.  I need him to come in my sleep to tell me he is okey.  I ask God to let me dream him so that I can say goodbye to him and tell him how much I love and miss him.  I pray to God everyday and ask him to please take care of him for me and to tell him that I love him.  I think I am going insane with all of this pain.  Life seems so unfair for me at this time.  His friends continue with their lives and they are having parties and he is not around to enjoy it.  He should be here with me to enjoy our children and look forward to the future.  I don't even want to think about the future because it is so bleak without him in it.  Some people believe in reincarnation and I wonder if this is true.  I just want my husband back with me and I don't know what to do or believe.  I am just rambling because I don't know what to do with this pain.  Why did he die?  God please help me to understand because I am losing it.  I am going insane with this pain.  It is not fair.