Painful Reality
Going home to an empty house is the most painful situation for anyone. Looking at the place where he sat and hoping to see him at least for one last time. Hoping for a smile or just a hello is all that would make our day but we then come back crashing to reality knowing that it will never happen. I have questioned myself so may times what could I have done to deserve this punishment because that is what I feel it is. Who does death benefit? I have asked God to give me a reason why he had to die and why are other people who are evil still here on earth. I miss him so much that I just am not logical anymore. I go to bed thinking about him and wake up think about him. Will this ever go away? I wonder what it is like for him to be away from me? Is he as sad as I am? Does he see me crying? Where do I get the strenght to continue when he was my strenght. Our wedding anniversary is coming up on August 30 and I am already dreading that day. I just want to disappear and cry. I think that I will spend most of the day at the gravesite with him. I kiss his photo every day before I leave the house and at night before I go to bed. I say goodbye to him when I am leaving the house. People say that he is always near me but I don't feel him. I need him to come in my sleep to tell me he is okey. I ask God to let me dream him so that I can say goodbye to him and tell him how much I love and miss him. I pray to God everyday and ask him to please take care of him for me and to tell him that I love him. I think I am going insane with all of this pain. Life seems so unfair for me at this time. His friends continue with their lives and they are having parties and he is not around to enjoy it. He should be here with me to enjoy our children and look forward to the future. I don't even want to think about the future because it is so bleak without him in it. Some people believe in reincarnation and I wonder if this is true. I just want my husband back with me and I don't know what to do or believe. I am just rambling because I don't know what to do with this pain. Why did he die? God please help me to understand because I am losing it. I am going insane with this pain. It is not fair.
Replies
I had 11 months to prepare for Ralph to leave this earth..I cannot imagine what you must be feeling with very little warning...Today is Ralph\'s 4 month anniversary of the day that he died...It is a sad day.....I hope you dream of your hubby tonight and that you find comfort in your dream...take care
I am so sorry you are hurting so bad...It takes time to get past all the first sorrows ...the birthdays, anniversary and the holidays...They are sooo hard...all you can do is just get through the day...Keep your mind on other things and stay busy..this does help..Hang in there..I know that isn\'t much comfort,but that is all we can do...Love, Glenda
Linda, i think you need to talk to someone who can help with your pain, not because you shouldnt be grieving for your husband, thats healthy but you have so many questionr and your torment is to much for you to bear, you have so much going around in your head, and those things need to be said aloud to someone, i dont know who, but a conseller would be a good choice, please give it some thought for your own sake. Milliex
Dear sweet Linda...I know how sad this can be. You are not alone. God is with you, we are with you...even if just in spirit! I guess time will help us? That\'s what I keep hearing anyway! :) Have a good day darlin!!! Jen
Hi Linda,
I hope you could dream about your husband tonight, he is in the heaven with God now, he definitely can hear you , for he loves you forever, he knows you are very sad, and he are very sad with you also, but he is not hurt any more; therefore, he doesn\'t want you feel hurt but it is all right to feel the sorrow for a while, for the reason sadness is also painful, but unlike hurt, since it is only experienced in the relative absence of irrational fear and turmoil, sadness comes from emotional understanding, from having made peace with the passage of time, and from having acquired good vision. With it we can see that reality is and always was imperfect, and that so it shall always be.
Seeing distant consequences, we are often sad because we must sometimes decide to forgo pursuing things that are both desirable and attainable; the cost is too high. while hurt is associated with powerlessness, sadness does not render a person vulnerable. it is neither troublesome nor dangerous. in fact most people are able to experience sadness and to acknowledge only that sometimes they do. too be sad is not considered a weakness, but hurt is very detrimental to your spirit , mind and body....most of all it will hurt your kids too. Please don\'t continue to feel hurt any more, your husband doesn\'t want you have any more hurt feeling, for he loves you !!!!
My love and prayers to you always,
I want to add one comment sweet Linda...there is NOTHING wrong with YOU! You are doing what every WIDOW does. Don\'t take advice from people who tell you not to feel. Respect yourself enough to have your feelings. They are very real to us...regardless of how real they might be to others. Give yourself permission to have your sadness, your sorrow, your hurt. You\'ll know when it comes time to let go of them. God bless you darlin!
Hi Linda,
Everything you said is exactly how I feel without my husband. Our Anniversary past on August 8th, and I too went to the cemetary to visit him. The pain is so great, and each day we have to just get through it minute by minute. I hope the pain will ease with time, but right now it is so fresh. I know there is nothing I can say to take away your pain, but I do wish for you comfort and strength as you get through your anniversary. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
I am just checking on you ...havent seen you posting and thought I would say hello and I am thinking of you...
Dear Linda, I feel so much like the way you do. It\'s been 7 months and one week since I lost my husband Ted to a sudden heart attack, no warning at all. I still don\'t know why this had to happen, I can\'t believe it is real. I did not get to say Good-bye, when he left for work that morning I did not know I would never see him alive again. I would give my arms and legs just to be able to have him back for a day, to talk to him, to hug him, to kiss him. Although I know he is gone, I refuse to let my brain focus on that because I can\'t see spending the rest of my life without him. It hurt so much I think I will just go crazy.