Painful Memories

This weekend was very difficult and painful.  Although I had company on Friday and Saturday, I still felt lonely and empty.  My family was over but I felt sad because my husband loved to have company over and he was missing and I kept looking for him everywhere.  Sunday was my daughter's 30th birthday.  It was so painful for both of us.  I came to spend the day with her and I took her out for brunch.  We ended going to a El Torito and as we sat down we recall the time that we went there as a family with her dad being there and having such fun.  We started recalling the wonderful time we had with him and we could not help but start crying.  We cried so much that the tears just kept flowing that we had to ask for additional napkins.  We talked about so much things and about his dreams that will not be fulfilled and about this emptiness that we are feeling.  My daughter's faith is being tested at this time because she wants answers as to why did her dad die.  She is having some guilt about not spending more time with him when he was alive.  I told her it is normal to have those guilt because I have questioned myself if I was a good wife or if he knew that I loved him.  I wonder if he was aware of how much he was loved and if know how much he is being missed right now.  After brunch my daughter and I decided to do something but we could not figure out what to do since we were in so much pain.  We ended up driving around and she said "Mom is there a road that could take us to heaven to visit my dad, because I need a hug from him so bad and I want to tell him that I love him"  I looked at my daughter and told her I would love to go there too but there is no road but we are sure that right now he is beside us.  We ended up in the mall and again started crying.  It was such a hard day and then my sister called to have us over for dinner and to sing Happy Birthday for my daughter and we started crying again.  I know that my sister was being nice but just the thought of us not having him around made it so hard for us.  We ended going to my sister's house and when we left we started crying again.  It was so emotional for both of us and realizing that he is never coming back home is even worse.  My daughter is so hurt and I wish I could offer her some help but I myself am hurting.  I have asked myself so many times why did he have to die.  Why did God take him away from us?  Why did God take him away when there is so much scum on this earth that don't deserve to be alive?  Is my husband with his family or is he lonely?  I need answers and I pray to God to give them to me because I am going insane.  The rest of the weekend was as horrible as can be.  I just wanted to have my husband to hug and tell him that I love and miss him so much.  How can I continue without him?  This life seems so unfair and I will never be the same.  Linda that existed before is no more there.  She has disappeared and I don't like feeling this way.  Can someone tell me how can we continue without a part of us?  How do we move on when we are stuck here missing our loved one?  How can we continue when we feel that we stopped living the day they died? I feel like I was buried along with him and this is just a shell that is here right now.  I love him so much and I miss him that I cannot keep going on.  People think that I am insane because I should let go how can we do that?  Life sucks!!!!!!!