Painful Memories
This weekend was very difficult and painful. Although I had company on Friday and Saturday, I still felt lonely and empty. My family was over but I felt sad because my husband loved to have company over and he was missing and I kept looking for him everywhere. Sunday was my daughter's 30th birthday. It was so painful for both of us. I came to spend the day with her and I took her out for brunch. We ended going to a El Torito and as we sat down we recall the time that we went there as a family with her dad being there and having such fun. We started recalling the wonderful time we had with him and we could not help but start crying. We cried so much that the tears just kept flowing that we had to ask for additional napkins. We talked about so much things and about his dreams that will not be fulfilled and about this emptiness that we are feeling. My daughter's faith is being tested at this time because she wants answers as to why did her dad die. She is having some guilt about not spending more time with him when he was alive. I told her it is normal to have those guilt because I have questioned myself if I was a good wife or if he knew that I loved him. I wonder if he was aware of how much he was loved and if know how much he is being missed right now. After brunch my daughter and I decided to do something but we could not figure out what to do since we were in so much pain. We ended up driving around and she said "Mom is there a road that could take us to heaven to visit my dad, because I need a hug from him so bad and I want to tell him that I love him" I looked at my daughter and told her I would love to go there too but there is no road but we are sure that right now he is beside us. We ended up in the mall and again started crying. It was such a hard day and then my sister called to have us over for dinner and to sing Happy Birthday for my daughter and we started crying again. I know that my sister was being nice but just the thought of us not having him around made it so hard for us. We ended going to my sister's house and when we left we started crying again. It was so emotional for both of us and realizing that he is never coming back home is even worse. My daughter is so hurt and I wish I could offer her some help but I myself am hurting. I have asked myself so many times why did he have to die. Why did God take him away from us? Why did God take him away when there is so much scum on this earth that don't deserve to be alive? Is my husband with his family or is he lonely? I need answers and I pray to God to give them to me because I am going insane. The rest of the weekend was as horrible as can be. I just wanted to have my husband to hug and tell him that I love and miss him so much. How can I continue without him? This life seems so unfair and I will never be the same. Linda that existed before is no more there. She has disappeared and I don't like feeling this way. Can someone tell me how can we continue without a part of us? How do we move on when we are stuck here missing our loved one? How can we continue when we feel that we stopped living the day they died? I feel like I was buried along with him and this is just a shell that is here right now. I love him so much and I miss him that I cannot keep going on. People think that I am insane because I should let go how can we do that? Life sucks!!!!!!!
Replies
Life truly does suck right now. But I read somewhere on here at DS and i\'m not sure who wrote it, but it really hit home. The writer said that every married couple will have to deal with the loss of their spouse and best friend sometime in their lives. I thought about that and unless you both die at the same time in an accident, it is true. Then I began to think, well it\'s not fair that my Marti was so young and we only had 30 years together. But what if this had happened 10 years from now? Would it be any easier to accept? I think probably harder because we are still relatively young and can pretty much take care of ourselves.
I think the real losers are our children, like you say. Marti will not see both of her sons graduate from college, get married hopefully have children. Marti only knew her grandson for 2 days and my daughter is reeling in anguish.
We had many good years with our best friend, but sadly our children didn\'t and that\'s why we need to love them more than we ever have. Although we struggle with this loss, I am making a concerted effort to see my kids smile and enjoy being home again. God bless us all. Kip.
Linda . .I am so sorry that you had another horrible weekend. I think it is just all about acceptance. Once we are really able to accept that they have gone and will not be back, it should be easier. Try to think of it this way.. . he is in heaven getting things ready for you. His spirit is still with you on earth. He knew how much you and your daughter loved him believe me. I had the same guilt. . .was I a good wife.? Did I show him enough how important he was to me? It is all natural. Take care of yourself and perhaps some meds to help you through it would be good too. Shirley
Reading your journal brings back so many memories and feelings I had in the very beginning. It just breaks my heart to feel others pain especially when it hits so close to home. Alex was my life and who would have thought I\'d have to learn to live without him at such a young age. Never thought I\'d be a widow at 38! I found it very overwhelming when I tried to vision how I was possibly going to find the strength to continue living. How was I possibly going to be happy again? In the first few months, there wasn\'t a day that I didn\'t cry and yell at the top of my lungs that this wasn\'t fair. It wasn\'t fair that he was taken away from me so soon, it wasn\'t fair in all the things that he was going to miss out on and it wasn\'t fair that I was thrown into this new world of being alone. What makes it hard for me is that we were inseparable. We loved spending time together and wouldnt have had it any other way but that is no longer and I can\'t do anything but accept it.
I found that journaling helped me a lot. It was my way of getting all those painful feelings out of my body. While I still have my moments, they are starting to become less and less. The 1 yr anniversary of his passing is this Sunday. As much as I am dreading it, I am also looking forward to it as I just want to get past it. I don\'t think there will ever be a day for the rest of my life that I don\'t think of Alex. But I know he would want me to continue living the best way I can and to find happiness again. I am starting to get there and it does feel good.
Hang in there my friend as this will be a hard journey for you but like so many of us can contest, it will get better but you have to allow yourself to. Remember to celebrate your successes even if it is just a little thing like changing a light bulb. Continue to journal, cry, and scream if it helps. Im here if you ever want to talk.
Gina
Linda, this may sound strange, but crying and sharing memories with your daughter is a good, and necessary thing. Think of this - if you had a heart attack, or something like that (G-d forbid), you would know that you need time to heal. A widow friend told me one month out that I was like a raw wound, except it was on the inside, and it\'s so true. I went back to my journal, and said the same as you - Marsha doesn\'t exist anymore, I don\'t know who I am. I exist, and so do you. It will come in time. You need just, and only just, to take it a minute at a time - to cry, scream, grieve, and talk - as much as you can, over and over. Hugs, Linda, and I\'m praying for a little peace for you - Marsha
Ds helped me so much because I could say all the things that were killing me (and some times still does) but didn\'t have to with anyone else..Most people do not understand and won\'t untill they go through this..I am not the same person either and it has been almost 3 years in November...I look back and wonder how I made it this far, but I know a lot of the credit goes to sharing here on DS. I found staying busy was and is my best friend...I can\'t stop and think because if I do I fall back into that deep pit~~Please keep trying ~one foot in front of the other...With my kids..I think talking about their dad was the best thing that helped them...Hang in there we understand and will be here for you!!
I\'m so sorry about your horrible weekend, but crying is good, it\'s what we need to do right now. And I also think it\'s good that your daughter and you can remember your husband and cry together. Having someone you can share your pain with helps healing.
How do we go on? I ask myself the same question all the time. We just do, because our love for our loved ones is what gives us the strength to do so. You are in my thoughts and prayers, Sil
Linda,
It is good to remember, even when that brings some sadness and sense of the huge loss. Sometimes I can talk to others about Scott and it isn\'t too bad. And almost all the time when I think of him and am alone here at home, I recall what we won\'t have or share, and the tears come. I miss him and like you and your daughter, would give so much to see him again.
sending hugs during these dark and sad days,
Susan
Hi Linda, I read your journal entry and was strangely warmed by the amount of tears you shed with your daughter. Although very painful, it\'s good that you two are able to share openly and cry together. I don\'t know what we do with the person we are that is left behind. I can remember being with Mike and being so happy--it felt like my chest would burst open. I loved having his arms around me and felt more at home on this earth than I have ever felt before. Now all that is gone. I liked the \"me\" he brought out, and now that person is also gone. He left, but he took my happiness with him. It\'s hard, but I guess we rebuild, reinvent ourselves. We\'re in a compromised state--broken and sad--so it\'s seems impossible to do. I\'m hoping it will get easier. Thanks for sharing your journal. Hugs, Amy