Pain, Pain, go away
Its been 8 months but I still feel like I did the moment I found out she was gone. There is so much greif inside me that it just feels like it will never go away. I keep thinking its that I don't know how to cope or that my job is hindering my coping process.
see I work in a billing department for a car rental company and all day I get screamed at, told to die, my first day back after losing my baby girl I had someone tell me they hoped I never reproduced. I spent an hour crying after that. But all day long I get to hear about other peoples first world problems and how their life was in danger because the cigarette lighter in the car didn't work. It makes coping with a real issue harder because you have to push the issue to the back of your mind because personal life isn't supposed to effect work life.
I keep trying to get out of this job but they wont let me because I'm too good at it. Finally, within the past couple of months, I received an opportunity within my position allowing me to work emails instead of calls, no death threats, no screaming... less stress. Since I don't have to hide my pain anymore, all my pent up feelings and pain are surfacing, and it feels like all my progress has been lost and I'm back to feeling the way I did when I didn't hear cry as she was pushed out of me.
She has a special shelf in our apartment that holds her memory box that contains her ashes, the blanket she was wrapped in, a picture of her, and the stuffed lamb the hospital gave her. Among other momentous. I feel so guilty because I hated being pregnant, it was not an easy process for me and after all that work and hell I went through with 3 trimesters of morning sickness, a month where I could only stomach cheetos... to lose my baby?? It wasn't fair.
I guess I just need more strength than I thought, I hate crying, feeling like I can't move on.
see I work in a billing department for a car rental company and all day I get screamed at, told to die, my first day back after losing my baby girl I had someone tell me they hoped I never reproduced. I spent an hour crying after that. But all day long I get to hear about other peoples first world problems and how their life was in danger because the cigarette lighter in the car didn't work. It makes coping with a real issue harder because you have to push the issue to the back of your mind because personal life isn't supposed to effect work life.
I keep trying to get out of this job but they wont let me because I'm too good at it. Finally, within the past couple of months, I received an opportunity within my position allowing me to work emails instead of calls, no death threats, no screaming... less stress. Since I don't have to hide my pain anymore, all my pent up feelings and pain are surfacing, and it feels like all my progress has been lost and I'm back to feeling the way I did when I didn't hear cry as she was pushed out of me.
She has a special shelf in our apartment that holds her memory box that contains her ashes, the blanket she was wrapped in, a picture of her, and the stuffed lamb the hospital gave her. Among other momentous. I feel so guilty because I hated being pregnant, it was not an easy process for me and after all that work and hell I went through with 3 trimesters of morning sickness, a month where I could only stomach cheetos... to lose my baby?? It wasn't fair.
I guess I just need more strength than I thought, I hate crying, feeling like I can't move on.
Replies
I am so sorry. I don\'t know why this had to happen to us. It\'s been almost 8 months for me and at times it feels like it was yesterday. I don\'t know how we even get through each day but we do. Work can be a great distraction but not if it\'s stressful. Glad you got a better opportunity. I know exactly what you are going through and what you are feeling. My daughter was cremated and is home with us. I wish you the best.
I can relate with hyperemesis when pregnant. I\'ve lost seven babies. I\'ve had it every time I\'ve made it to about 4 weeks severely. I was 22 weeks with my Ava and Phoenix when they died of placenta abruption they didn\'t think would happen. I was very sick and couldn\'t help but cry about it all the time. A lot of people tell me that they don\'t think I should be having kids and it hurts so much I haven\'t been able to sleep much lately. I really want a family with all my heart. I wish I could have them back but I don\'t have a lot of time left because of my female issues. I am trying again. A lot of people are not supportive. One person tried to accuse me of having a \"replacement\" baby. That hurt so bad and I\'m never talking to this person ever again. Everyone has babies around me and my sister is due very soon. Life is so painful and cruel. I really hate this them not being here. Why does it have to be the people who want their babies the most? This is so painful. My heart goes out to you. I have a job kind of simalar to this on phones. It\'s more in involving conducting surveys but most of my job. People act like being called on the phone by someone you don\'t know well is like the worst thing that can happen to you... If they only knew how much real pain people are going through. I wish people would keep their ignorant comments to themselves sometimes.