Pain, my self void

    I always got the short end of the stick. my family and people, i went/ go to school with always gave my trash because I am a heavier set. I know different weights look different on you depending on your height but my height didn't help with it. I always felt it was strange for me to get as big as I am because I used to play softball and was a cheerleader when I was a child, before 4th grade. I moved from TN to IL and the emotions hit me hard. People would not stop talking about me, try and make jokes and talk to me later. IM a smart girl even when I was younger and now I'm going to be in IB, I guess because they knew I was good in my classes they would always try and work with me and act like they were friends with me then just go back and talk about me. I never fought anyone because I've always felt that it meant I surrendered to their words and let them get the best of me. I've done the self-harm, neglecting my needs like eating, expressing myself. it's to the point now that I can't describe how I am feeling even if I tried. I hate it honestly because I get these moments where I click out from the world and I'm just void from everything and when people ask if something is wrong I just say no. I used to be so worried about not being good enough for anybody to love me on a sensual level and getting into a relationship because of how big I am. I have some motivation to lose weight and a lot of it in these next three months but I realized the reason I want to lose weight is to just gain my confidence. I act like I am confident and that people's comment o how I don't look don't matter but sometimes certain words can be triggering it causes me to break down then click off from the world, lose my motivation, will to eat, leave my bed, and even read which is my greatest escape. if you read all of this I'm sorry but I needed to rant. I most likely will be telling my story in parts because it far too much to post at once but again I'm sorry.