pain

this is killing me inside me, i hate this,,,i wish i wasnt so fat and ugly,,,,this is trully killing me inside,,i dont know what to do, i dont know why this is giving me so much trouble,,,i am usally not like this, i am called a cold hearted bitch for a reason,,i dont care about poeple, exspecailly guys, i get over them so easy, their not a big part of my life other then as friends, i dont barely get attached to them and i usally dont give a fuck if they like me or not..usally i just brush it off. i have a crush for like a week then i get over it, i dont worrie about it that much, i dont really care..,.but whenever i am around this guy, or talking about him or thinking about him i blush, hes hard to get off my mind, and it hurts me to know that he likes other chicks, its hurts me when he flirts with them and talks to them more then me, when he can joke around with them but not do the same with me or not, i cant tell,,,i like him so much and iam so shy, i wish i new what he was thinking.,,,like when he talks to other chicks i get hurt and really jeloise,,,i dont know why i usally am not like this and it makes me feel weird,,i dont normally act like this and i usally dont care. this is killing me inside.hes sitting across from me across the living room and i cant help but look at him like every few seconds and smile and blush a little bit, even writing like this i have to keep my eyes  on the screne and stop blushing, i feel stick to my stomack theirs like knots inside my stomack and its makeing me feel quisy,,i like him so much, hes like always on my mind, i know this is sounding like stalking but its not, i havent had a crush this bad in a long time, its so unual,,,this kind scares me, this guy makes me smile all the time and wish i was with him, wish that he liked me that way and didnt think that i was an ugly fuck, like he treats me more like one of the guys then anything else, ya we can joke around and all that but its not like what i want,,,this is making me quisy inside this is not who iam at alllike he makes me blush and i love the look of him, hes so cute and hot and handsome,,,,like this is some one i could have fun with and be able to lough with, someone i could really care about, and be cared about. this is killing me inside, seeing him sit across the room and talk my stomacks like twisted up inside and like i can barely talk around him, like not serosly talk iam so shy i just cant do that and  hes so close but so far away...my stomacks so twisted up inside....i just dont know what to do anymore,,,hes in one of my classes and every day its getting harder to hear him lough and know that i am not the one hes loughing with....iam so cunfused and tiwisted up inside. why am i like this, ive gone out with so many guys and ive never felt like this, had so many crushes and never felt like this,,, i was in love once with the guy who took my virginty and i know what love feels like, this is more then i felt for that guy, now it iam so cunfused, i am so scared, i wish he liked me, i wish he thought i was pretty even through i am not... this is my life and right now its so out of orbit that i feel like iam off tilter, i want thim and i am scared of this feeling, its never been this rotten so like butterflys in my stomack....hes got the most betfull voise, not to deep or high pitchm his face is so strutured, hes got the cutest  dimples ever...his shoulders are so sturdy, his arms so strong, but not to built, enough that laying with your head on his stomack youd be comfy