Overwhelming

I had one day off this week  Friday. I work the weekend Sat,Sun,and Monday.  Work use to be okay . I use to be abel to  stand it. I work at a hotel, but the hours are getting bad lately and there  are so many rooms to do I can do them I  can knock 14  rooms out in a little over seven hours if I am lucky,but my back is taking the burden  of all these rooms.This  hotel I work at  is okay on the  surface,but we get all manner of people hear mostly buisness men which are better then the families,because  they sometimes give out tips  which I thrive on  to save toward my son's vo-tech school. He has autisim,aspergers and PTSD and me and him both know he won't be able to get a normal job  because of his high social anxiety. As a mom I wanted to get him in to a vo-tech school   so he can learn something  productive,and maybe getting him in to something he likes to do  his anxiety  might be somewhat less that way. That is what I am hoping for  any way.  I want to get a better job maybe a better  hotel job,but I would prefer  to work on my photography,and writing unfortuntly  getting paid doing what you love  doesnt pay the bills and boy do I have bills. I feel okay today I sometimes get really really despondent when I see a cutesy commercial with a elderly couple  who has been together for like 40 plus years and ther still happy. I cry at all the aspca commercials. I have a weird habit  I don't quiet understand. . Sometimes I am watching America's got talent,or some other show like that and their  doing their talent and everyone loves them and clapps for them and sometimes they even get the golden buzzar and  every time I watch the shows I feel like crying when something like that happens to them. Why do I cry I don't feel joy,I don't feel all that depressed I just can't understand why I cry or feel like crying when I see shows like that?? You know while I am making countless beds and beds in the hotel over and over my mind thinks and thinks and thinks. I sometimes can listen to music while I am working I think about  will I ever be the one that a guy takes a second look at in intrest then I laugh I am never that woman I never will be. I feel like  Most people ignore me especially the guest when they check  in  I think my uniform's  qualties have  invisibility   because  all guest  look right through me like I do not exist,and then when they want  something from me they see me  for a moment,but Iam quickly looked over and forgotten. Things I think of when  listening to   stupid sad love songs people made and all the stupid  songs about falling in love and I just can't listen to them makes me long for something I do not   feel entitled to. I have made mistakes in my past Iam not proud of so I feel like I deserve all the unhappiness and I am not worthy of love. I think about my kids how I should be doing more wishing I can do more,but feeling like if I tried to do more I would be stretched so thin that nothing  would be left of me I work,I try to provide a good home,and safe place for my kids,I cook, I never go out ever no car  so I am stuck at home . only life I have is work and kids and responsibilities and paying bills. My life is not fun has not been in a very very long time. This damn pandemic  certaintly is not helping. movies  are closed most bars are closed concerts are canceled. I guess even if they were open who would I go with. Only friends I have is hear,and facebook noone else I could ask my cousin,but sometimes she can be toxic and sometimes she can be off the wall on somethings I just don't think spending more time with her would be healthy. I love her but she has some sides to her you don't want to meet.  So that is what I think about that,and moving to a different state feel like leaving  is the only way I can get out from  the burden of this unremarkable  life.