Overwhelmed with STRESS
My last post stated how happy I was to be walking again, well that came to a very fast stop this week. I have been having pain in my right ankle right on the part of the bone that sticks out. Last week my therapist put me in a gel cast and said just waslk in short spurts, 5-10 minutes, at a time. So I did and it continued to be painful so when I saw him on thurswday he was beside himself tryiing to figure out what was going. So he recommended that I go the orthopedist and get some xrays done. Well guess what I have a fine stress line fracture and was put into an aircast boot that is so huge it looks like Herman Munsters boot. It is so uncomfortable and had a two inch or so height to it so when I walk with my shoe on it is still and ince shorter on my left side. So to make it the easiest I am just sitting as much as possible and icing it. This just is not my year health wise.
My boyfriend and I are not doing the greatest either. He is reverting back to his old habits, not drinking though Thank You Lord, just being very self-centered and selfish. I have no idea why but he says he does not love me anymore but it is nothing I have done. Now remember this man has it made in the shade. I opened my home to him because he had no where to go. He promised to pay 200.00 month towards bills and help however else I needed it. Well needless to say he has only done that twice since he has moved in which was around christmas. There were a couple of months that I will say he did because he bought all my meds when I had the pneumonia and a couple of times they were over 200.00. He also buys most of the groceries, which he said he would do since I only get 16.00 a month in food stamps and go to the food shelf. Well his pride does not want me to go to the fooshelf. 2 months ago I thought that is bull so I have ben going and in that way continueing to contribute to the food an saving him a good 150.00 a month. I am also his maid as he does not do the chores we agreed he would do, so he has a maid, a cook/baker, on ther words I do everything around thehouse with no help. Now he says he does not like the feeling he has to come home to a home cooked meal all the time. He would rather stop and get a gas station sandwich. This last week I never knew when he would e home because he never calls and tells me anything unless he needs me to do something for him so I have just startd cooking for myself and he can fend for himself I have a date set in my head if things do not change enough I will have his things packed up and ask for 800.00 and my apartment keys and say good bye as I can not live under this stress. I have been fighting hard to not have a fibro flare that is trying to break out really hard. My body just can not handle it.
Lastly and most importantly this is the week of my angels death. So on Wednesday I will begin my proces that I have followed every year. I totally relive everyday from the day of the accident all the way through the day of the funeral. It ends right after the serfvice as I d not remeber going to the cemetary or to the luncheon afterwards. The tears have already begun due to all that is going on in my life right now. My little bug is so missed and loved it just breaks my heart still after 24 years of him being gonel
I am almost to the point with all that is going on in my life to want to just join him then I would not have any pain or stress. But I can not do that to my other 2 sons and my 3 grandbabies I am just so frustrated, confused, hurt, angry and totally at the end of my rope.
I love you all,
Susie
Replies
I am so sorry to hear of all these troubles. It sure is a lot to deal with all at one time. I hope your health problems resolve as soon as possible and do take care of yourself as far as the boyfriend problems go. I am sending my love and prayers, Leda
Your health and well-being are your first priorities so I hope that you can feel stronger with each day. I'm sorry that your year has been filled with so many challenges.
Addictive behavior can always be present whether one is using or not. It feels as if perhaps that might be what you are experiencing with your boyfriend? You get to choose whether you will feel more peaceful with him or without him and you must put yourself first. Making changes is always hard and perhaps it has just taken time for his true colors to be fully displayed? I'm sorry as I know you are so very deserving to feel loved and cherished fully.
Healing hugs and the most gentle of care your way as you heal and discern what is best for you in this moment and now as that is the only one that we have.
Hand in hand, Heart to heart,
XO Joanie
I know that when I am not feeling well, physically, my moods go black, too. Pain and not being able to move about freely, is depressing. Hard to realize it is only temporary, and soon, your good sense will recover. So sorry for your fracture boot.
Saying prayers for you. I'm glad you're looking at letting him go as an option... I know it will take time to evict him. I just wanted to mention that so perhaps if you decide you're ready to take the steps to have him legally evicted you will start the process earlier rather than when he's hurt you so much it makes it harder to deal with the process. Hugs Elissa
Take care of yourself and be strong as you make your decision regarding your boyfriend. Love and peace, Linda
Thank you all for youe wonderfully kind words. I just read my post and oh my goodness all the typos make it look like my 7 year old grandson typed it.
Things are really taking a turn for the better with my boyfriend. Last week after I posted I wrote him a letter reminding him of the man I met in december and had until I got over my pneumonia and staff infection. I asked him where he had gone. I also told him his feelings as to being in a relationship, his fears really are validated. His parents fought all the time his mother was not a nice woman at all she even told Tim that she hated his father and always had. Tim did not talk to her for 4 months and when she had told him this she had just found out she had terminal cancer. Then his 30+ year marriage was horrible also. He does not know how to be in a good healthy relationship so his fears came out and he tried pushing me away. Well it has not worked as I know the wonderful man he really is. That is what my letter to him was all about. He at one time asked why I loved him, so I reminded him of that and it took 5 lines of steno pad paper to tell him all the reasons. That letter changed his attitude quite a bit. He also went and talked to our old minister (our church closed) and she actually was able to talk him into going to a meeting called Celebrating Recovery which is a Christian based program. He went last night and was a jabber box when he got home. # of us had been trying to get him to go and it took her telling him to get him there. I just hope he continues. I made sure he knew I was so proud he took that step and I have no problem with him going ever. As for if I decide to kick him out that will be no problem as he is not on the lease at all it is just up to me to do it.
I am putting me first and my health I learned that when I was first diagnosed with fibromyalgia and ever wsince with each new diagnosis I get darn near everytime I go in. That also is why I am not letting his behavior continue when it is negative or stressful for me he does get called on it.
Finally I have already started y process of reliving this week 24 years ago. The pain is still the same when I relive the week but I have a new support system around me that are already taking good care of me. A friend is picking me up tomorrow from my pt appointment and taking me to lunch to a place that we know will be quiet and we can sit there as long as we like. Please just say a quick prayer for me that this year is not as bad as other years have been. I am strong and I will get through it and I have already asked God to carry me.
Blessings to all of you along with big hugs and tons of love as we all fight this battle of our angels not being with us anymore.
Susie