Overwhelmed by a sense of having no control over my negativity
Positive thoughts and hope seem to flow so naturally from almost everyone I know.No mood swings, no intense emotions, just a constant state of being ok. At least on the outside it seems so. They have their loving families, their blind faith in God, their positivity flowing all within them or if not they are unattached free spirits that seem to go with the flow, that seem to accept what they can't control. I, on the contrary have no religious beliefs to hold on, no karma or crazy theories to believe in, just things being the way they are for no apparent reason. I don't feel like I have a strong family bond to hold on, even when 90% of my family conflicts are related to my mom I somehow and inexplicably have decided to cut my family bonds almost entirely. The only thing I have ever believed was in romantic love, I became addicted to love, sex, pleasure, desire, beauty, but on the end no love in the word can put my pieces together. I am the only one reponsible for putting my pieces together but I take no action in doing so, I continue doing the same stuff over and over again expecting a different result. I may be smart in some aspects but in fixing my life I am being terribly dumb. By the conventional social standards I am sucesfull, beautiful, sociable, clever and persuasive, smart, physically fit, it seems like I have everythimg going on, but on the inside I feel I am always falling apart, consumed by evil inner voices and dark thoughts. Overwhelmed by a sense of having no control over my negativity, my tendency to catastrophize everything, the pounding of my heart that keeps beating as if im about to be hurt at any moment. The constant expectation of the worst. This whole subconscious " I will make you nervous and alert all the time so you can react properly when danger sets in" is not fucking working, is making my life 1,000,000 times more miserable than what it should be. I can take pain, rejection, abandonment, dissapoiment and lies but what I cant take is this constant fear of bad things happening, I am strong enough, nervous anxious mind, please take a rest, thanks for your help, but your help is becoming my biggest inferno.