overhearing counselors chatting
I had a nice experience today. I went to my counselor and had a good hour---venting, sharing, posing deep questions, and, uncharacteristically, not crying today. I had been running late (imagine that!) and so asked the receptionist if I could pay my copay on the way out so I wouldn't keep the counselor waiting. As I left the session, I stopped at the desk to write the copay check, and one of the other counselors didn't realize I was still in the hall (nor did my counselor) and she asked "my gal" what I had done to my hand. She then went on to ask how I was doing and said, "it's been about a year, right? sometime in May?" (What I didn't realize is that this was a counselor who had seen Jeff about some of his frustrations at work, but I'd never met her) My counselor said to her, "yeah, she really is doing ok---she is truly a remarkable woman"---I can't remember feeling that positive about myself in a long time...I know I wasn't supposed to hear the comment, but it was so validating to know that she was saying what she really thought, not what she thought I needed to hear. Ever since Jeff died, I've felt like the things people say to me are all predicated on the fact that they are thinking about my loss and trying to be encouraging and supportive---saying what they think will help. This was just two women who knew Jeff and I and were speaking honestly (not knowing they were being overheard). Later, Jeff's counselor came around the corner and saw me standing there. She seemed a bit surprised at first, but then walked over and introduced herself and said how sorry she was for my loss. I thanked her for taking time to stop and say that and I left feeling very cared about and positive about the thought that, for all my shortcomings (and they are numerous) in the grand scheme of things, I'm doing OK. The irony is that I never would have thought I could have gotten through something as traumatic as losing Jeff without having Jeff beside me to prop me up---I know that is a nonsensical sentence, but I'm just trying to say that Jeff was my rock--he gave me confidence, shared wisdom, and his seal of approval was all I ever needed to feel like I'd made the right choice on any decision. I would never in a million years have chosen to be charting this course alone, but I'm starting to believe I can do it. Jeff gave me what I needed and even though he's not physically here with me, he still influences my approach to life. In that regard, I'm one lucky lady--I couldn't ask for a better angel and I can't wait to see him again and thank him some day.
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