over...for now

one thing i've learned in the last couple of years is that it's a bad thing to wait for men in white coats to come take you away. if things are bad you need to reach out for the help you need. 24 hours of sitting here thinking about efficient and marginally painful ways to die without incapacitating myself horribly should i survive is a bad sign. so i've called the local hospital and made plans to admit myself this evening.  today i've been packing and eyeing the shower (i really should take one) and trying not to view this as a failure. i like being positive for others. it's harder to do for myself. i don't know what will happen with school. but i do know that if i don't put the brakes on this thing i'm going to end up somewhere i don't want to be deep down. and likely that place will be one with a stone marker.