Out Life: Day 2

I woke up this morning with the same thought I usually do "How am I going to tell my parents that I'm gay?" Then I remembered, it's done, the question I had asked myself for a decade was asked (and answered). It's still like a dream to me I guess; every nerve holds the neural memory of "closeted" but every thought and emotion says "out". This duality is unnerving and I await the day my body catches up to reality.
As for my family, they have begun to grieve. My mom looked shocked when I smiled when I saw her crying. I informed her that this is a grieving process. The son she thought I was going to become will never be, and the pain does go away. I reminded her that when she says goodbye to the ideal of me, the actual me will be here as loving and accepting as always. I'm happy she broke down. It sounds sadistic, but I mean it. My mother has always put up the bravest of fronts to shield those around her from pain. Those defenses went right up when I came out (after 22 years I know it as soon as she starts). I think she realized that I have already gone through this process and my dad is on par with her, so for the first time in a long time, her shields crumbled-- my mom cried. I thanked her for crying, because at this point, it's not about me; I'm not scared, or grieving, or depressed. I'm the happiest and healthiest I have ever been. It's about my mom and dad right now.
My dad... is a relic of the 50s with the heart of a modern man. He told my mom today he wanted to get me "help". My mom knew enough to shoot the idea down (she realizes that I don't need the help at this point, they do). My dad is being forced to deal with these emotions. Emotions are taboo. Emotions are not meant for real men. That is my dad's philosophy. Yet he sat with my mom on the deck today, frightened and upset. My father did something I've known him to do only 3 times in my life-- my dad cried. Despite all the hurt he is feeling, he still took me in a huge bear hug and told me "This is really hard buddy". "I know Dad, but it will get better, I promise".
The next variable is coming into play. This variable is my older brother. Like me, he still lives at home. Like my parents, he harbors some deep rooted bigotries. Unlike my parents, his bigotries are over amplified and blatant due to ignorance and his own insecurities. Still, my parents are insisting I tell him soon. They cannot bare not being able to express themselves around him. I know I am going to tell him soon, but there cannot be an audience, as he "performs" for an audience; over-reaction, theatrics, bigoted verbal diarrhea.. the list goes on. No, I need to tell him in complete privacy, because when my brother is alone, I get to talk to the clear thinking individual he usually hides in public. That is the brother I need to come out to.
Still my parents have told me they have to hide from him, lie about allergies as to why their eyes are watering. I wouldn't call it satisfaction, as I hate anything that hurts my loved ones, but I did feel a reaffirming sense of role reversal that I pointed out to them. "This is the pain, lying, denial and fear I've dealt with for 10 years" I told them. This stung them a bit, but I think it helped them get a bit more understanding about my life. I think I am finding an appropriate balance between compassion and tough-love.
I've had my anxiety too, but nothing can kill this amazing optimism. I know exactly who and what I am. I don't need to hide. I even put some of my favorite songs on my I-Pod instead of hiding them away on my hard drive (soundtrack to "Were the World Mine", look it up!). I believe things will settle soon, I do have some revelations left that are going to hurt (aunt, grandparents, friends), but I feel emotionally and physically wonderful. I feel like I've gotten a third lung, I breathe so much more easily. I love being out, in spite of the costs.
As always, thank you all for your support,



Hey guy, good for you, I wish I had the courage to come out to my mom. I know I will in time, but you\'ve got more guts than me. Big Hugs.

((( Steve ))) Thanks again for sharing. Wish u were my brother! U seem to be so knowledgable about where you\'re at and I can really relate to it. Even though I am still hiding inside myself. Bare with me! Ash

Glad things are going ell for you and hope telling your brother isnt as bad as you think

Love Maria