Our Journals...

Many years ago, I would wind up being unable to deal with specific circumstances and seeing no alternative -- no light at the end of the tunnel. I did as I always do. I wrote what I felt (or the fact that I was not feeling anything anymore other than unbearable pain- both physical and emotional-- and hopelessness)   My sister would catch a glimpse of this as well as witnessing my current state at that time. She would encourage me to go in patient for a brief stay with mental health. I have always felt ashamed and embarrassed -- but had that not happened , I don't know if I would be here today. 

There I was fortunate to have a very kind  and patient counselor. He was the one who would tell me that my journaling can be both a blessing and a curse.( I was always taught to be quiet, polite--- keep to myself and cause no problems. If any came up-- I was to deal with them myself.  So that is what I did. Never bothered anyone , just tried to deal myself.) I also love to write. I began to write when I think of something or someone, When I have something to say- that is how I get it out. He would advise me though that I cannot use that as a crutch... to step back and never open up again. In fact-- there was a time when I was told not to journal for 1 day-- to keep things open and fresh with the hope that I would bring my feelings up at the next session.  I made a half hearted attempt, but still was very hard. It was far easier-- and safer to write it just for me to see and later reflect on.  I also have a very hard time (EVEN YET) to ASK FOR  WHAT I NEED.  I had a breakthrough but had to verbally ask for help. I could not allow myself to do it. Thankfully , he did say the words and give me what I needed. I still struggle with that as I have been told (by a dysfunctional family member) so very long ago that I do not deserve it. 

I have used journaling to express my thoughts and feelings-- 

to a Mom who sacrificed her life for Dad and her kids, but would die suddenly when I was just a teen. I was  angry at her (for not taking care of herself and wondering if secretly she wanted to leave us as she was incredibly sad) and also had to deal with some incredible shame and guilt she had instilled in me as a budding teen. (That would take me years to discover her reasoning for that was to try to protect me and not do the damage it did)

to God ( for taking her away and leaving me in such a horrible situation which made no sense) I was left with an alcoholic father and younger brother that I would now become responsible for.  I could not understand why I was being punished or if I was that horribe a person?

was advised to write a letter to my Dad explaining the actions of his drinking. I had to explain just how he ( and my brother) do make me feel sometimes. And with that one I was wisely forewarned that with his current situation he would not neccessarily be able to hear or understand all that I say. But I needed to get it out.

PLease remember that while it may be uncomfortable or hurt when feelings come up, there is no more guilt to be felt-- but rather the freedom to admit and leave them go.  And when you do stumble across an old one from long ago-- you can look back and see what progress you have made. It is actually a very good tool. 

So I do type this for a very dear friend who was regretting taking the time to jot things down... be greatful for that chance to get admit, discard , forgive yourself and move on with your life. 

I send you all hugs-- a notepad-- and a pen. 

PS. When I do stumble across old pages from long ago, I realize that I have come a long way in many respects. I still do struggle asking for help, but have come far as far as sharing my feelings with others instead of leaving them all bottle up inside.  That is fortunate for me--- but not always so great for all of you and I thank you. 

And for those of you just starting your journeys and struggling so, may it help you to know that it not only helps you to open up, but helps others as well-- knowing they too are not alone and maybe giving them a glmpse of how things could play out for them as well...  or reminding us who have been through but need a refresher to do what we need to to keep moving forward instead of stepping back.