Ouch II

It is still too early to know if yesterday's anxiety has abated, or not. Inventory in progress. . .

The Trauma Induced Amnesia which was diagnosed in 1974 has given me insights to memory function which I never would have explored without the compelling need to heal the damage to my memory. Alas, finding words and validation for those insights might be as hard as managing the condition. The validation is secondary, at best. My craving for validation has abated considerably over my decades of dwelling on the fringes of the civilized world. The validation I seek most fervently these days is inside my own skin. Peace and serenity in my strictly personal days is far more important than how I am received within the competetive worlds of academia and mainstream achievement. 

"Objectivity" is my current Holy Grail within my current symptom management. Mainstream logic holds huge diffs between nostalgia and trauma flashbacks. I am wondering if my organic memories can distinguish between "Good" and "Bad" any better than my computer's hard drive. I sense that the judgements are a different process, altogether, designed to happen fast enough for life-saving reactions within a survival scenario. The mechanics of playing back a S&M video are the same mechanics used to playback a sugar and spice video. It be the reception which varies. When I can maintain objectivity during the memory playbacks, I find the two mix allot more than summary judgements can recognize.

Whatever the evers of those whats, this morning finds me believing the current round of anxiety attacks are linked to the bids I am currently taking on the barn remodeling and the Breach of Contract still pending in the River Region and the Bitch of No Return breakdown. Those old, unloved barns, etc, of my childhood are where the seeds of my engineering ambitions were planted and nurtured. The organic, wordless process of those chain reactions happen much faster than I can form words on any medium, so capturing their sequences in words is even harder than describing the details of the sattelites which make it possible for our phones to be smarter than we are.

Sleep restorative. Apetite good. Nerves steady. Racing thoughts not too loopy. Uncertified therapy dog tail-wagging. I think I am holding my own.