Ouch--I\'ve been on a bumpy rollercoaster

I can't believe I've been gone so long and yet I know it too.  You know the old saying, "Don't say anything if you have nothing good to say."  I guess that's not the way it works here but its been a very trying couple of weeks and I lost the will to connect and was fighting very dark thoughts.   There is a war going on in between my brain, which is trying to kill me (so to speak) and my heart which wants to live and love and achieve my purpose.  The problem is, I don't know my purpose anymore.  Kids are all grown.  I still have hubby & love him.  He has a driven personality and is a great acheiver.  I live in his shadow and have no identity of my own.  I'm ___'s wife, and son #1's, son #2's and son #3's mom.  As a youth and teen, I was always taking care of things for my mom & sis.  I even supported them for about a year when I graduated high school cuz mom was extremely depressed and ill.  I was Mom's dependable, responsible daughter. I put off going to college to do that.   After helping hubby get his bachelors degree and later with his Master's, I finally started college doing one or two courses at a time when my kids got older.  But the pressure of trying to maintain our full-time mom quality of life while working full-time and managing to keep 4.0 in part time college got to be too much.  Plus the oldest boy was starting college and finances were tight.  I ended up not completing a degree.  I want to achieve something now.  I want to explore my capabilities and succeed at something besides being a wife, mother and daughter. I am also tired of trying to do everything.  Don't get me wrong, hubby is helpful.  But I'm close to losing my will to go on.  I've dreamt I'm dying and I am--inch by inch I'm disappearing.  I've been trying to live each day with gratitude, to find joy again.  I see it but can't feel it.  I feel like I'm shutting down and being sucked down a drain.   I apologize to anyone who reads this, but this is my reality--I am dying inside and wish my body would follow.  I still have the presence of mind to not hurt myself, and that's the agony of it all.  Well, that's it.  I'm sorry to be a disappointment to those I love and all of you who I care about, but I can no longer hide it.  It's written all over me now and my coworkers can now read it all over me.  I need peace, I need nourishment, I need rest.  I'm a believer.  I've had a deep faith that has held our family strong and together when crises hit and should have blown us all apart.  So, why can't I help myself now?  I ask God, "why?"  What am I to learn from this?  I nearly died twice--once from illness and I argued with God in that long tunnel that I should live.  The second time, someone tried and nearly succeeded in killing me (strangulation) and as I started to leave this world I cried to God inside to save me.  The man said I caused pain to shoot through his hands--obviously I was not able to do that.  God rescued me.  But for what did He rescue me--to raise our 3 boys, yes.  But is that all?  I know it was important--I loved every minute of it, really.  It was my mission.  It's been over now for six years and I find no fulfillment in my job but I stay to build up my retirement benefit.  Even if I quit right now, I don't think my frame of mind will change.  I'm too deep in the mire for it to make a difference right now.  I need answers and need them real soon.  God, help me.