Organizing my thoughts
I have my therapy session this evening, i like to organize my thoughts so i don't just ramble on and on. I also don't like to use this time as a rant session to complain about Prince Charming. So, how have I been these last 2 weeks? Keeping busy with things I want to do, Meditation Group on Thursdays, dinner with a friend on Wednesday night, wine and sunset with another friend who is also in a less than satisfying relationship, my best friend's birthday party. Weight Watchers group Saturday mornings, visiting my parents, yoga and more. Ah! although tired, I feel so much better. What does my husband think? Well, he is noticing somehow, but I am not sure if he misses me or the IDEA of me. He says he worries about me when i am out. But when I get home...??? (is he worried my car is in a ditch and I am at the ER in unclean underwear?) Or is my being home a control issue? I am not sure. He does not seem to be all that interested in doing anything together other than house/yard work or shopping for food or other household necessities. Wow: not fun. When I am home with him I feel like a caged animal. He is starting to complain about my social life. i simply told him "ask me on a date."
Addiction update: No episodes of out of his mind stonedness, but still"needs" pain meds. He seems to think I will be satisfied with decreasing dosages the doctor is prescribing. I really just want it DONE. Oh and why am I going consistently to counseling and he is not? I am trying to stay out of this business aside from asking the basic questions. like What did the dr. say? when the answer is cagey i walk away
communication issues: so the other night i was having dinner w/ a friend. he calls at 8:45 "worried". UGH so when i get home a little later he is ignoring me. i say do we need to talk? so we enter into the same horrible pattern of argument we have developed over the last too many years. him- silently passive aggressive and me-out of my mind. i recognize what we are doing, and say something like ;uh oh lets both take a deep breath and start over, when we talk this way it is bad for both of us.......first he acted like he didn't know what i was talking about, then he was too tired to have a discussion. the next morning he was "punishing" me w/ the silent treatment so after a bit i asked if he was rested enough to have a grown up discussion, he was. and what do you know..... we both were able to act like grown ups and clear the air, and enjoyed a nice day together.
Overall things are not to awful. Not perfect, not even good, but better. I am MAYBE, just maybe, allowing myself a glimmer of hope for the continuation of this 30+ year relationship. I am not asking for the moon, but I will not settle for less than a healthy satisfying life. If Prince Charming cannot get back on the white horse once in a while (without me having to cajole him into it) then i will have to find companionship, and friendships elsewhere.
Addiction update: No episodes of out of his mind stonedness, but still"needs" pain meds. He seems to think I will be satisfied with decreasing dosages the doctor is prescribing. I really just want it DONE. Oh and why am I going consistently to counseling and he is not? I am trying to stay out of this business aside from asking the basic questions. like What did the dr. say? when the answer is cagey i walk away
communication issues: so the other night i was having dinner w/ a friend. he calls at 8:45 "worried". UGH so when i get home a little later he is ignoring me. i say do we need to talk? so we enter into the same horrible pattern of argument we have developed over the last too many years. him- silently passive aggressive and me-out of my mind. i recognize what we are doing, and say something like ;uh oh lets both take a deep breath and start over, when we talk this way it is bad for both of us.......first he acted like he didn't know what i was talking about, then he was too tired to have a discussion. the next morning he was "punishing" me w/ the silent treatment so after a bit i asked if he was rested enough to have a grown up discussion, he was. and what do you know..... we both were able to act like grown ups and clear the air, and enjoyed a nice day together.
Overall things are not to awful. Not perfect, not even good, but better. I am MAYBE, just maybe, allowing myself a glimmer of hope for the continuation of this 30+ year relationship. I am not asking for the moon, but I will not settle for less than a healthy satisfying life. If Prince Charming cannot get back on the white horse once in a while (without me having to cajole him into it) then i will have to find companionship, and friendships elsewhere.
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