Open Marriage, Death, what's next?
Just needed to write some down some feelings. I agreed to an open marriage. I don't want a divorce, I love my husband dearly. He pretty much gave me a choice of either an open marriage or a separation (both to result in him getting to go see his girlfriend--or whatever the hell he calls her) I didn't and I am still not doing well. All I can think about is what they were doing together. But my joy comes from the fact that he was happy for those few days. He loves his family, he loves me. He says he doesn't want a divorce either.
Then to top it off, his best friend died. It's tough. I am trying to help him through this while trying to supress my feelings about his trip. I haven't done a very good job of supressing my feelings. My heart is torn apart. I have the pain of knowing what he did. I have the pain of hurting for him since he is struggling through the loss of his friend. I feel so guilty and selfish. You see the OW was the one with him when he found out. She was the one that got to hold him and was there for him when he cried. He has hardly ever cried in front of me. I know, I am the one that is with him every other day. And yes, he has broken down after he got home. He has asked me to be strong for him. He has always been the strong one. Always. Why am I having such a hard time with this?
I can't talk to my family about this. I can't talk to my friends about this. No one would understand. I have found a special friend that will listen to me and has been there for me. He's married. I told myself I would NEVER have a relationship with a married man. But he sees me for who I am. I am beautiful, I am sexy. I am everything my husband hasn't been able to tell me all these years. I feel so guility for my impure throughts. But he has given me permission, permission to do whatever I feel that I need to do...but he doesn't want to know about it.
I feel so fucked up, so lost. Most of the time I just want to get drunk, smoke pot (if I had any) and get laid. That is all that seems to make me happy, right now. I miss my husband. He is there for me as much as he possibly can. But it kills me to know that he has to communicate with her almost every day. She is extremely needy. He says that he agrees and that she can be "too much" sometimes. He wanted to tell her when he went to see here but he can't now. Since he lost his best friend, she is all that he has left to talk to. I can't be his everything (according to him) so I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel.
Then to top it off, his best friend died. It's tough. I am trying to help him through this while trying to supress my feelings about his trip. I haven't done a very good job of supressing my feelings. My heart is torn apart. I have the pain of knowing what he did. I have the pain of hurting for him since he is struggling through the loss of his friend. I feel so guilty and selfish. You see the OW was the one with him when he found out. She was the one that got to hold him and was there for him when he cried. He has hardly ever cried in front of me. I know, I am the one that is with him every other day. And yes, he has broken down after he got home. He has asked me to be strong for him. He has always been the strong one. Always. Why am I having such a hard time with this?
I can't talk to my family about this. I can't talk to my friends about this. No one would understand. I have found a special friend that will listen to me and has been there for me. He's married. I told myself I would NEVER have a relationship with a married man. But he sees me for who I am. I am beautiful, I am sexy. I am everything my husband hasn't been able to tell me all these years. I feel so guility for my impure throughts. But he has given me permission, permission to do whatever I feel that I need to do...but he doesn't want to know about it.
I feel so fucked up, so lost. Most of the time I just want to get drunk, smoke pot (if I had any) and get laid. That is all that seems to make me happy, right now. I miss my husband. He is there for me as much as he possibly can. But it kills me to know that he has to communicate with her almost every day. She is extremely needy. He says that he agrees and that she can be "too much" sometimes. He wanted to tell her when he went to see here but he can't now. Since he lost his best friend, she is all that he has left to talk to. I can't be his everything (according to him) so I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel.
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