Onward

Yesterday wasnae as magical as the fragile rhythm we had established in the early weeks of the custody shuffle, but it was the smoothest we have felt since the tragedy a bit more than a month ago. A point of discipline we established before the tragedy was Big Bro's Play Station IV. His teacher rates daily school behavior on a color scale. "Purple" is the highest rating. He needs five purples in a row to gain access to his game controllers. He hasnae had a controller since his parents died. The conflict being that video games were virtually his only bond with his mother. Even in motherhood, she seldom interacted outside the box, to the point of my worrying if her on-line communities have been notified of her passing. On-line was the only community she had. Are we depriving Big Bro of his only link to her by taking away his play station? On many levels, that debate feels like debating whether a child orphaned by the meth epidemic should be given a meth pipe to maintain parental bonds.


Leaving that debate to the side for now, Big Bro started this week with a "Purple" and celebrated with more "legcercize" on his bicycle after school yesterday evening while Big Sis was at dance class. She loves her dance class. We have completed our part of the process for getting her and Lil Sis signed up for daycare, complete with a middle finger salute to the other grandfather's political opposition to child immunizations. Tisnae a political placard I would have picked up on my own and I hate touting it, but it is done by legal mandate and the process is now perking through the CPS bureauracracy. We see what grows. For sure, Big Sis desperately wants a school of her own. 


Warren Zevon's song, Keep Me In Your Heart, is still perking through the music theory end of my music therapy. As I learn the song, I seem to feel my son's spirit gaining freer access to my own. Seems. . . For now, I am letting that mystery be while I deal with the flesh and blood mysteries of moving on from the heart-wrenching loss. I miss you, my gentle son.

Replies

Community Leadermujicaptsd
mujicaptsd

Oh, my, arfie, Warren Zevon's been with you lately, too? With me he showed up just because Halloween is coming and his funny song Werewolves of London caught up with me to give me a smile. But I watched him on Letterman when he joined that band during his fatal struggle with cancer and I remember Keep Me In Your Heart as his lovely farewell song to all of us fans. I'm so glad that song's come to you now to give you words for how you miss your son and keep him in your heart.
arfie
arfie

Warren Zevon is always with me. "Poor, Poor Pitiful Me" is my favorite pity party song. When I throw myself a pity party, I parties hardy. His heritage was further up the food chain than mine, but I've always felt him like the big brother I didn't want another of, but his songs resonate deeply in my life.

Excitable boy, they all said. . .
SageLife
SageLife

Arfie,

I am glad the children seem to be finding a routine. I know when we got custody of step son I immediately put him in karate. He needed the discipline and routine which his bio-mother never gave him. At 8 yrs old he was too busy waking her in the morning from her pain pill induced sleep and being the good boy he was made sure mommy's coffee was ready for her. It broke my heart hearing that. I can't imagine why CPS/courts would remove children from the routine and secureness you have provided for them, I know all too well how the other party can charm them. Our step son was almost sent back to his mother after she "charmed" the guardian at litem of the court. The only saving grace was her going off on the same guardian at litem when she was late for her supervised visitation.
Peace, guidance and continued light to you.
arfie
arfie

So far as I know, the CPS support team believes this is the best option available. It is a four county team and they seem to be okay with the multiple jurisdictions involved. I implemented an Alanon guided detachment from the court part of the drama while Mom and Dad were still with us. Not mine to sort, etc. . . Now that their children are orphans, detachment isnae so easy, but my quiet voice says to continue that detachment with the other grandfather's antics. They arenae far removed from his daughter's STBX waltz. I think. . . Maybe. . . It hurts my brain to go ^there^ right now.

For now, the battered ship of fools here on the farm feels not worse. At least, that's my prayer and I'm sticking to it as best I can.
EvergreenDreamer
EvergreenDreamer

still sending prayers, arfie, as you continue forward in this unexplored new territory of life. triple hugs of continued support.
mlr0853
mlr0853

sending you for Your Highest Good, or whatever comes to reduce your pain and stress. Once said to me by a ds poster, :"you are allowing your John to hold you as an emotional hostage, last year at Christmas....I'm learning the Alanon Boundary health for my own mental health....I do hope the same is being provided against the 'other' GP antics! (((Hugs)))
SimpsonsOK
SimpsonsOK

Continued prayers as this journey continues.
arfie
arfie

Thank you, Dreamer and ML. This is, indeed, unexplored territory. Similarities abound, as always, but the sum of the parts are daunting. There are parts of me that hope the other grandparents *win*. The idea of starting a second parenting career at 65 is daunting, to say the least, but so is the idea of leaving the children with still older grandparents who take more pride in their disabilities than their personal strengths. Taking pride in your disabilities is Welfare Economics 101.

I would love to finish this comfortable retirement I worked so hard to achieve, but. . .

Stepping small and praying big. . .

My favorite part of the Alanon approach is the way its non-specialized approach can be adapted to any life circumstance, and I do mean any. Specialization has its strengths, but adaptability is seldom among those strengths. The bigger the word/acronym, the more limited the portability.
arfie
arfie

TY Simpson. Prayers both needed and appreciated.
Community Leadermujicaptsd
mujicaptsd

Listened to Zevon in my car on the way home from work just now thinking of you, arfie, and saying a prayer.
Community LeaderSunCloudJD
SunCloudJD

Gentle hug Arf and my prayers continue for you and your beloved family as well..... xo