Only time will tell

My partner, God he is amazing, telling me no matter what I choose to do he will support me and I mean NO matter what! He said even if I want to go back to where im from and finish my degree (3 years left) but thats no way for a relationship to be, I know he doesnt want me to do that but how amazing is that? Having someone who is willing to do that just so you feel you've achieved your goal. I love him so much for what he does and what he puts up with - I'm terrified of my mental state pushing him too far though...last night he says to me "why do you think I will leave you? why do you think I will give up on you?" It's because I dont know of people to do any different, but he is different himself, he is amazing and an amazing support to me and I know that.
I'm almost gauranteed this child care job - But I dont know if my heart is in it.. i've been "sending" (that is typing etc) the application all morning in a hope to have the courage to send it and hopefully will do uni work as well today to try and keep up untill I've figured out what I want... How good is that? my friend's sister is helping me get this job and we hardly know each other.
My close girlfriend here she's helped me get into a psychologist - emailing her to tell her how important it is for me to see someone in a hope to speed it up abit (she has attended the same psychologist). I have amazing friends and soon her partner is coming over to see me to check on me and have a chat - he has been through much worse mentally.
I'm still terrified for Tuesday - My whole career has been designed around the fact "I might not have kids" - If I can - I'm willing to choose a different career path...Hence why im abit iffy about this child care course - Should I try and stay in uni untill I find out?
My parents God they are amazing, they've been ringing my partner to make sure I'm ok, mums been talking to him trying to offer him advice as she has been down this path with me before...
My partner keeps saying "you can't live with what if's you need to just go for it and when you know then you work it out". I didnt get into uni down here (for me degree) and was doing distance ed for 6 months then going to do a degree which would take me 3 hours per day 2-3 days per week in travelling to get to (I dont know the area very well either). I was scared about the traveling... and I was going into it purely in hope of acquring good enough marks to attempt transfering again! Then the question - what if I dont... which brings my partner back to "you can't go off what if's, you just have to deal with it when it comes". It's hard to know to pick something and to stay with it...
I feel like the biggest dissapointment to myself - I can see logic but I can feel logic if that makes sense, my head will say one thing and my emotions will go the other way... Somehow they win..
My friend sent me over (just then) this self help book which I hope helps me in making a decision sooner rather than later.. I guess Ill do some uni reading for today and then possibly make a start on this book it might actually help?
I wish so much I could do one day at a time - why can't I ? sometimes being naive could be handy too - or just emotionally stronger! it's all a bunch of what if's and should of's - it's going to drive me insane!
If you guys would like to provide some feedback that could be handy too - strategies or similar situations anything - I'm willing to listen and take advice!
Thanks for letting me vent xoxo

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

I know how hard a time you are having and its amazing your boyfriend suggested you going back to finish your course, but then you will miss him, itsa tough one, im not sure what advice to give you but trust your judgement and gut instincts, you are loved so you will be ok. xoxox