One year later

Jeanne it is now 10 am and one year ago at this time my world came crashing down.  The surgeon who completed your surgery and delivered me the news that you had stage 4 lung cancer and that there was no hope and that I would be lucky if I got to be with you another year.  I remember being in the hall at Holy Family Hospital and being given this news in public with no compassion from the surgeon.  In seconds I had to deal with a life without you, how was I going to tell the kids they were going to lose their mother and how in the world was I going to get the strength and the words to tell you that you had a terrible disease that was going to kill you. Amazingly after I had a major breakdown in the chapel yelling at God He gave me the strength to sit with you and over 4 hours gradually telling you the news a little bit at a time.  He continued to give me the strength to be by your side every minute of your illness and to enjoy many moments, shed many tears and to tell each other daily how much we loved each other for the next four months.  Your courage love and faith has seen our family through the HELL we have lived for 12 months now.  In the past year I have made many extremely difficult decisions, buried you, married our son, held re unions with your family, met our son's future in laws, gone to every event that we would have gone to, and next week taking the entire family to Disney just like you and I planned.  I have a tremendous support network with counselors, support groups, church, family friends and the DS forum.  I am now in a much better place and getting ready to face life head on.  I have met someone who we are just beginning to start a friendship that may develop into something more long term.
Last week I think you may have come to visit me at night.  I remember lying a wake in the bed and feeling like someone had sat on the bed then I felt the rubbing of my calves. It was so peaceful that I did not open my eyes.  I then felt the weight leave the bed.  When I got up there was no one there.  I know I was not sleeping so it was not a dream.  What ever it was I would like to believe that it was you telling me that you were okay and that you were there to let me know that you want me to go one and live my life.
 
I have been feeling great for about a month now but today and the days to come are going to be very difficult as I re- live last year and our final good bye.  Not Good Bye but till we meet again. I Love you Forever. and miss you every moment of every day.
 
God has Blessed our marriage and continues to Bless our lives.